Aren't you glad I'm in such a spectacular mood?
I feel like a total hypocrite saying this after all my "I've already reached goal because I love my body" statements recently, but:
I am feeling super discouraged and like a failure lately. This just more of the same from my last update, and I'm sorry for that. I just need to work it out and I don't know how else to do that than to just brain vomit about all these things I'm feeling.
I had decided to give 30 Day Shred a shot again, just to get me back into the swing of things... I did one day. My God. SO. BORING. I could barely push through... plus, for all my "fitness", it still makes me feel like I want to die. Except the cardio. This time the cardio was a pleasant break for me. But I did come to the realization that for all my heavy lifting, I have little muscle endurance. Bench press 110lbs 5x5? Sure, no problem! Squat into overhead press with 5 lbs dumbells 20 times in a row? NOPE! Not happening! Ugggghhhh.
I had decided to give 30 Day Shred a shot again, just to get me back into the swing of things... I did one day. My God. SO. BORING. I could barely push through... plus, for all my "fitness", it still makes me feel like I want to die. Except the cardio. This time the cardio was a pleasant break for me. But I did come to the realization that for all my heavy lifting, I have little muscle endurance. Bench press 110lbs 5x5? Sure, no problem! Squat into overhead press with 5 lbs dumbells 20 times in a row? NOPE! Not happening! Ugggghhhh.
I honestly want to give up. I want to stop eating and run my heart out. I know this doesn't accomplish what I want for my health and getting the body composition I want, but right now I feel like running is the only place I'm accomplishing anything health-wise because I'm noticing major changes in my endurance and speed when I do my sprints/intervals. I want to stop lifting. I feel like I'm not gaining strength and this is incredibly frustrating. My boredom-led training inconsistency, stress, lack of sleep, and poor diet are all contributing factors. I've been under so much stress lately with work... it's slowly killing me. That's truth, not hyperbole, and I don't know how to push through. I'm in this place of extremes... either I want to eat what I want, when I want, as much and as often as I want, or I feel like I need to punish myself by drastically restricting calories. Neither of these in practice are going to get me anywhere close to pushing through this plateau and fitness depression. And I'm just so bored. Bored, bored, bored. I'm super super unenthused with my lifting/strength training right now and I don't really know how to revamp. Part of me is considering taking a break from it all. Giving myself maybe 3 months to eat intuitively, do some running (which I'm really learning to love... oddly enough), do some yoga, and try to just... be. That's my 2013 goal, right? Be Happy, Be Healthy, Be Active.
Does "be active" mean I have to continue strength training if it's boring me to death, does it mean there's only one type of "active"? No, it shouldn't, it doesn't. Does "be healthy" mean I have to completely cut out the junky things I like to eat? No, it's about moderation, and fueling your body with good foods first before adding in treats. Does "be healthy" mean I should continually stress and beat myself up for not pushing hard enough, for not accomplishing enough, for not having the body composition ideal I have in my head for myself? ABSOLUTELY NOT. And I'm certainly not following my own advice to "be happy" when it comes to certain aspects of my lifestyle. I'm so very tired of stressing over calorie counts and protein levels and carbs, of feeling guilty for drinking real beer instead of Miller Lite, of feeling like not having my idea of an ideal body somehow makes me a failure at life in general.
The way my body looks and the food I choose to eat and the activity/exercise I choose to do or not do does not define who I am as a human being.
And, yet, it is sometimes the hardest thing in the world to remember that.
So now I find myself wondering if it's worth it... And the answer to that seems to be a resounding: NO. Not like THIS. And by this, I mean the constant stress and pressure, the guilt, the disappointment in myself. Nothing about that is healthy, for body or mind.
I need a break. I need a real and forced break. I've said it 100 times before, "Oh, I'm taking a break for a couple weeks." and then I continue to log everything and do my same routine, or fall off routine and feel guilty and terrible for it and guilt and self-hate over calorie intake.
I've got to step back and reevaluate what I'm trying to accomplish. I need to start now. So, beginning today, I'm going to move forward through the remainder of the year trying my best to stick with my goals to Be Happy, Be Healthy, and Be Active. Regardless of whether or not any of what I move forward doing is part of my current plan/diet/routine. Tonight/tomorrow morning I will go ahead and take measurements and weigh myself, just so I have a comparison to see how this new "hands off" approach affects my body. Thankfully I have this handy-dandy blog to track my mental health through this experiment.
Here goes...
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