Mental Illness Weirdness

Hello, Bloggy-Blog Land!

..that was a strange way to open this, but is a tell that I am doing slightly better. Slightly. I’m proud to report that I’ve been able to successfully attend my job during all working hours like a fully functioning adult. I haven’t even had to lock myself in the bathroom to cry at any point.

AREN’T YOU PROUD OF ME?!?!

Seriously. I don’t know what my damage is/was… I feel like last week was a bad dream – which is not to say I’m magically content with my life, love my job, and feel like my quality of life has drastically improved. I’m wondering if I’m just sort of in shock right now that I acted like such a lunatic, but am still actually a lunatic underneath all my supposed “betterness” and “over-it-ness”.

Who knows?! Guess we’ll find out in another couple weeks if I have another mental breakdown. Joy!

In other news, on the health/fitness front: Monday I put together a little beginner circuit training workout for myself to attempt to push through this strength training rut. It sort of worked… I did the workout Monday night, felt really good about it, felt really good afterward. I even refrained from smoking and/or drinking and went to bed at a decent time!! …then I woke up Tuesday morning very, very sore in my legs and glutes. It got worse as the day progressed. Wednesday was EVEN WORSE. I could barely walk. My upper-body was totally fine. I obviously didn’t really push myself like I could have/should have with upper-body for some reason. I had every intention of just doing the upper-body/ab portion of the workout last night while giving my legs and butt another day of rest, but potato skins and beer sounded much better. I’m getting there.

The weather has been perfect lately for running, but unfortunately the utter lack of daylight post-workday is ruining my secret life as a runner. And what’s worse: even if I could get myself out of bed to go in the mornings – it’s dark in the morning too!!! When my almost-2-year-old wakes up at 6:30am, it is still pitch-black in the house.  …okay, maybe not pitch black… but it ain’t dawn-lit or sun-lit by any means, either!! I also like sleep. So there’s that. It may be fast approaching the time of year where outdoor runs (or runs in general since I don’t have a treadmill!) just won’t be happening unless I randomly get some motivation in the middle of the day on a Saturday or Sunday. Ha! Yeah, right. I’m planning to keep up with my lunch break walks as long as the pleasant temperatures hold up.

I had this master plan a couple months ago to do a bulk over the winter this year. I’m still playing around with that idea in my head. The only problem is: I have to actually commit to regular heavy lifting. We’ll see if I can get there. Part of me is feeling if I can just go ahead and maintain my weight/body composition, I’m okay with that. I don’t know how long I’ll be okay with that, but it’s something to consider. I think I’ve definitely been a little bit happier on some levels not worrying so much about how many calories/what macro splits I’m eating this month (even though I still have days where I’ve logged everything throughout the day – it’s like an addiction, cripes), but I also worry sometimes that I’m going to let myself go and get super lazy and just end up having to start all over. …doesn’t it seem like there are just worse things to be afraid of? Especially when there is no recent behavior that is making me think I WOULD just give up and gain back all the weight/fat! Shouldn’t I worry more about things like zombies?! Or World War! …which are also two very good reasons to stay in somewhat decent shape.

I’m sorry, I’m getting completely off-track… this is probably part of my on-going Mental Illness Weirdness right now. Stay tuned, more updates soon!