Nothing Really Matters

"...anyone can see, nothing really matters.. to meeeeeeee"

Thank you, Freddie Mercury, for perfectly describing my life lately.

I'm sorry I've been MIA lately... it's been a rough month so far.

I'm about to make the understatement of the century: work makes me want to kill myself.

Unfortunately, I can't really go into much further detail than that, as much as it would probably do me a world of good to just vent/write it all out. But I'm not there yet. Decisions have to be made, a plan of action must be put together, meetings must be had, etc.

I can say this: I'm unhappy. I've been unhappy for longer than I wanted to admit to myself. I made excuses that things were just busy and once they slowed down, everything would be okay. This was a lie I told myself. The anger and frustration I'm experiencing at the office on a daily basis is starting to bleed over into my home/family life and how I think/feel about myself. This is obviously unhealthy on a very serious level. Like I said: decisions have to be made.

This is a major part of why I have been so quiet on the blog since the start of September. Some very stressful things happened right around the time of my last post and I've sort of been reeling in the aftermath of all of that and floating in this sort of stress/hating-life limbo. I think this may the quintessential Quarter Life Crisis, and how exactly does one push through that? It might be time to get back into counseling... or maybe even look into that whole "life coach" thing, as much as I sort of wonder if that's just a bunch of malarkey.

Okay, that’s enough negativity. Updates!

My experiment in intuitive eating/exercising has been somewhat successful so far. On average, I’m eating less than I was when I was actively counting calories – and my “splurge” days are actually closer to maintenance, which is excellent. I’m determining this by doing backlogging on MFP – going in a day or two after what I thought may have been an “average” or particularly high day for me in order to see where the actual numbers come in. So with food, I would say I’ve been victorious so far and I’m feeling much better about food and my eating in general, even if I’m far from being back on a completely healthful eating track. It’s nice to just, y’know, eat what I’m hungry for when I’m hungry for it.

With the exercise… well. I don’t know how to feel about this aspect. I’m considering re-dedicating myself to SOME sort of strength training beginning tonight. I ran a couple times last week, took walks during my lunch at work nearly every day and walked 4 miles with my kiddos on Saturday morning - as most of you may realize, that is a HIGHLY UNLIKELY OCCURRENCE! I never do purposeful exercise on the weekends. I’m a lot more active just by being at home and doing general housekeeping/errand running, as well as taking Nolan outside and chasing him around the yard, so I don’t generally feel the need – but it was really nice not only physically but mentally to load Nolan into the stroller and have James grab his scooter for the 2 mile walk to the big playground near our house, and then walk back after an hour playing. So I’m definitely being active, but I also feel like I’m getting mushy from lack of strength training. I’m just so bored with everything I’ve tried over the last several months, but maybe I can find some fun in it again. It would definitely do me some good. So I guess I can say I’ve been victorious on the intuitive exercise since I haven’t become a total lump on the couch.

Totally random, but super exciting (to me): I picked up a couple pairs of American Eagle brand jeans about a week ago… and they are the best jeans on the planet. I love them. They fit me SO well. I’m super stoked since I’ve really been struggling the last few months to find pants that fit properly.

I think that’s everything that’s been going on… everything that feels important right now, anyway. Hopefully I’ll have some positive news next update and be able to fill you in a little more on what I’m doing with my life. While this has been a ridiculously rough month, I am hopeful that some amazing change will come out of all this struggle and I can find peace in all aspects of my life moving forward.