Lack of exercise, and learning how to do screen shots

Well, folks. I hate to say it, but I'm going on 3 weeks of no real on-purpose exercise. It's pretty terrible, but thank god for keeping my calories in check as I continue to lose weight. Part of me thinks maybe I should do this whole "get small" thing before focusing on working out.. but working out makes me a more sane person, so there ya go. I'd feel much better if I were even getting just a short walk in here or there - instead I'm doing a bunch of NOTHING. Boo.

My baby decided 3am and then 6am were good times to be awake today. I should have made Daddy get up at 6 and headed to the gym, but my bed was calling my name and with some cuddling baby and I both drifted back off to sleep. If I want to feel good getting up at 6am I should probably try going to bed before 11:30/midnight. Even though I used to do it every day when I was commuting 35 miles to work every morning in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Oh, how times change.

So! I figured out how to do screen shots in Chrome, so now instead of typing out all my food-ness (which I've been supremely lazy about doing to begin with), I can just take a screen shot of my MyFitnessPal food/fitness diary and post that!

Behold:

Pretty fancy stuff, huh? I'm pretty proud of myself! This will help me stay more accountable for what I'm putting in my body, too. Although, really, let's be honest here: I don't really care if you guys judge what I eat. Obviously it's working for me as I continue to drop between 1 - 2 lbs a week. HA!

With the eating, and the weigh-in

This week has been fine if you just look at my calories (with the exception of yesterday), but when you look at the actual FOOD I've been putting in my body, you'd be incredibly disappointed... there's been Taco Bell and tootsie rolls and donuts and a bunch of other sugar-packed junk. Yesterday for lunch was a 600 calorie frozen margarita with some good old deep fried tex-mex (chicken flautas) and cheese dip. Let's not forget the chips! Lordy, lordy. It did keep me super full the whole rest of the day, so I didn't have much in the way of dinner... but even so my calorie county for yesterday was close to 2,800 calories. Saturday I woke up with the determination to get back on track with my eating! Started the day off with a whey protein fruit smoothie, and I headed to the grocery store soon to restock my kitchen with fruit and veggies and whole grain goodness.

Okay, so Friday was my normal weigh-in day but I totally forgot, so on the scale I got Saturday morning...

Official weight @ 5/26/2012: 200.8 lbs


!!! That's a 2 lbs loss for this week! Even with my crappy eating! If I keep this up, I'll hit my 20 lbs milestone in just a couple weeks! That would be so amazing. I can't wait to break that 200lbs mark again. I'm only 3 lbs away from my pre-baby weight!!

That's a lot of exclamation points. I apologize. But I am so proud of myself.

This week will be about getting back in the gym or at least taking a walk a few times a week. I'm so pumped about the weightloss, but I almost feel like I don't want to hit the gym for fear that I won't see the same results on the scale while focusing on strength training - but if I stick to walking/cardio (which kind of goes against everything I read about fat loss!!) then I think I will continue to see that number drop at a decent pace. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Part of me really wants to focus on strength training and get that tone and boost my fat-burning potential, but the other part of me is so excited to be losing 1-2 lbs a week on the scale. It's almost like I feel like I'd like to get down to my halfway goal by calorie counting and cardio, and THEN start focusing on building lean muscle mass. At least that way if the scale-loss slows I can feel good about where I'm starting from. It's kind of what my gut is telling me to do. We'll see. If I actually get in the gym, I think it will be really hard for me to not touch the weights! lol

A little deviation

I'm going to deviate a little bit from my "usual" on health, fitness, what-I'm-eating, etc. right now to talk a little bit more on recent emotional struggles. I know I've mentioned here before that I started seeing a counselor regularly last year and have really struggled with anxiety and some depression since the end of 2009.

I'm really proud of how far I've come with my emotional growth over the last 6 months or so. It's been really hard to not fall back on my normal tendency to rage about everything, and to worry about what everyone else is doing all the time, and get all wrapped up in the needless drama. It's been hard to focus on me and what my issues are. I realized I kept myself in the middle of lots of other people's chaos because it made it easy to avoid the constant negative inner-monologue about myself. It made it easier to forget how much I disliked myself and to forget all the past negativity I was holding onto.

I would go so far as to say: I've become a completely different person than who I was this time last year. In ways that I think are positive and healthy. Some of the people I know may not agree. They may feel like I've been unavailable as a friend, maybe even that I'm not as "fun" as I used to be. I struggle with those feelings, too. Sometimes I feel like a terrible friend, like I'm distant or uninterested. I feel like I'm not fun anymore either.

Mostly what I'm learning is that being a Real Live Adult is really fuckin' hard. Having two kids is stressful. Working full time and running a household is stressful. Working on a marriage and keeping communication lines open in that marriage is a full-time job all on its own. Trying to keep my social life as active as it was a year ago or two years ago is not an option for me right now. There are only so many things I can focus all of my attention on. But on that note, and what really I'm struggling with the most now, what's triggering my old habits of focusing and feeding on negativity is this: exclusion.

It seems so silly, doesn't it? It shouldn't even matter. It doesn't matter in the big picture. In the grand scheme of things and my life and where I intend my life to go, this shouldn't even be a blip on the radar.

But it still fuckin' hurts. A lot. It triggers my self-loathing hardcore, as I have a tendency to pride myself on being a well-liked and desirable person to be around. This could be complete delusion, but I like to think there's some truth to it.

As someone who just recently gained access to a Real Life Adult mindset, the rational side of me completely understands that one can't always be included in everything - just as one can't always attend everything they are invited to. There are very good and real reasons for being excluded. Most of the time it's not even an "on purpose" thing or meant to be hurtful in any way. And that's fine. But it doesn't make it feel any better.

It just seems like, when you have lots of mutual friends, you have to be careful of what is said and where (ie: Facebook). If you know Sally So-and-So wasn't invited to Johnny's July 4th BBQ, but you're all mutual friends - don't blab on and on about how excited you are to be going to Johnny's party to Sally. Or Sally's boyfriend. Or on your Facebook. Or on her sister's Facebook wall. Or your twitter. And you can say all you want, "Why? Why should I protect someone's feelings like that, why is it MY responsibility?" - to which I would answer, it's not your responsibility if you really don't care that you're hurting that person's feelings, but I wouldn't really expect them to stay friends with you for very much longer if you're going to act like your feelings are the only feelings that matter.

I'm not trying to say everybody should do as I say - I'm just saying, for me, knowing that I've been or am being excluded from things that a year ago I would have been included in, hurts my feelings and makes me feel like maybe I don't have as many close friends as I thought I did. It also makes me feel like maybe those friends just enjoy me more as an emotional wreck than as a healthy, stable person.

I'm not saying, "Everyone must invite me to EVERYTHING!". I'm not saying that at all. That would be ridiculous. I'm just saying I am so much more aware of my actions since I started working on myself. I'm much more aware of my feelings and how my feelings and actions affect other people in my life. And now, more than ever, I try to follow that Golden Rule: Treat others as you wish to be treated.

I'm just putting it out there, that out of everything I've been through in life, out of the terrible way I've been treated by some people - that for some reason this one little thing that shouldn't matter is mattering a whole lot to me at this time in my life. I'm just putting my feelings out into the world in an effort to work through this crap way of feeling and move on and get over it. It's nobody's fault, it's not one person or one situation. It's the culmination of a lot of things that have transpired in the last 8 months or so. It's all about the "getting to me". It all finally started getting to me and eating away at my self-esteem, so it was time to just vent it out.

I know I'm a good person and a good friend. I know that I have good people in my life. I also know it's not all about me. I just have to keep reminding myself of that last part.

Aside from the usual anxiety of being a real-life adult...

...I'm feeling pretty excellent.

This week I discovered I can fit into my work slacks again. These are size 16's with no "stretch", just plain old cotton khakis. Not only do they fit - they fit comfortably. More comfortably than they did 16 months ago (pre-pregnancy), actually. I consider that a pretty awesome accomplishment. The calorie counting might not be doing a whole lot where the scale is concerned, but I'm certainly shrinking. I'll take it.

I should probably do my measurements again at some point... oh, and take those progress pictures!

This week is the week for getting back in the gym... but my husband is out of town until late Tuesday night, so that means I can't really go until Wednesday. Hopefully my motivation can stay strong until I get there. I was planning on walking on lunch or with the kids after work today, but the ridiculous amount of rain happening here today is kind of derailing that. Curses!

Saturday we went to this "family fun" thing that the county park association sponsored and I spent about 4 hours walking while pushing Nolan around in the stroller, which DEFINITELY counts as exercise - so at least I got something in for the last couple weeks.

I'm just kind of repeating to myself constantly, "Every little bit counts." If it's a 10 minute walk, fine. It counts. If I spend an afternoon vacuuming my living room/stairs/upstairs, mopping my kitchen floor, carrying laundry up and down two flights of stairs - it counts. It doesn't have to be "exercise", it just has to be "activity". This thought process has helped me so much. I'm feeling so much better about myself, and I'm not constantly berating myself for not making it to the gym.

I'm really proud of myself with my calorie counting as well. I'm really trying to focus on my hunger - if I'm hungry "for real", or if I'm just craving because of boredom or depression, etc. Doing that has made it incredibly easy to keep my daily average around 1,600 calories. I've also given myself Fridays and Saturdays as cheat days, and I don't worry about what I'm eating or drinking those days - giving myself the permission to eat "whatever I want" on these days has worked out really well, as I'm still rarely exceeding the 2,000 calorie mark.

Now, if I can just getting back into the groove of blogging daily!

That track thing, becoming a germaphobe, and weekly weigh-in

"Back on track", "staying on track", "keep on trackin'" ... okay that last one I made up.

What track? Where? There was a track I was following at some point? When was that?

That's how I feel right now. Although, I do have to say that I have been excellent at counting calories. My daily average for the last couple weeks has been around 1550. It's pretty awesome. And thank goodness I'm doing well with my calories, because lord knows the gym and I are still in a fight.

I remembered to weigh-in this morning - and just as I predicted, there was a slight gain:

Official Weight @ 5/18/2012: 202.8 lbs


That's still an average of 1lb/week loss the last 2 weeks, even with the gain. I'm totally okay with that. That's ideal for me, especially without exercise.

I've got to get back in the gym. There's just no other option. I think I need to try going in the morning... which would mean getting up around 6:15am on gym days. I don't know if I'm really okay with that, though. But I can't seem to motivate in the evenings on a regular basis, so this may be the only other option. Or a buddy. Anybody out there want to be my gym buddy?

Another reason I haven't been to the gym since recovering from Death: I know my immune system is way down, and I'm terrified I will catch germs. Nasty gym germs. I finish my antibiotics today, so maybe by Monday I will feel "well" enough to brave the gym germs in the name of Sexy.

Positive news: I've officially gone down a size in jeans. I am down to a 16, and can even fit some of my Old Navy 14s. That is pretty exciting! Also, only 5 more pounds until I'm back at my official "pre-baby" weight. Maybe I can be there by mid-June! Then only 12lbs to my halfway goal of 185!

Next time I'm at the gym (either this weekend or Monday), I will get new progress photos and get those posted. I may even go for the yoga pants/sports bra look to better track my belly fat loss. We'll see how brave I'm feeling.

Weight-loss win, blogging fail

I have now lost approximately 15lbs since my January 1 start.

Official weight @ 05/11/2012: 201.6 lbs


Thanks to being on my death bed and consuming nothing but water 5/6 - 5/9, I lost nearly 4 pounds in a week. I'm sure this coming weekend when I step back on the scale that will have come back up a bit, but that is expected. As of right now, I'll take my 15lbs-loss mark!

So far I have been awful at my "blog more consistently" goal for May. I feel like I haven't had much to blog about in the way of health/fitness since I destroyed my foot and then had the Plague (otherwise known as Strep Throat). I'm starting to feel like I can't catch a freakin' break, but I don't want to just bitch and complain on my blog all the time.

I'm going to say something here, but I'm not trying to get anyone to "keep me to it" or anything, because if I feel like I'm forcing it on myself - or anyone else "expects" it of me, it's not going to work... I think I'm quitting smoking. I've only had 2 cigarettes since Saturday May 5th. I'm not "trying" to quit, I just haven't really wanted to smoke. And that's great, and I'm excited about it - but I'm trying to just not even think about it too much because I know as soon as I do I'll go right back to it just to spite myself. I'm sure I've jinxed myself by saying anything about it on here. We'll see. Just.. pray for me. lol

My experiment in "doing what feels natural" hasn't gotten very far thanks to injury and sickness. So, I guess what's felt natural lately is not exercising. Truth be told, I'm a little terrified to get back in the gym. I'm afraid that my immune system is shot and I'm going to get sick again. I can't afford it - both in a financial/work sense and a psychological sense.

That's really all I have to update on. You'll hopefully be hearing more from me soon!

An experiment in experimentation...

If you'll look just a bit to your right on this page you'll see I have a little area marked "Priorities". When I started blogging again back in January, I did an overhaul and added a bunch of new stuff to my page(s). I felt like this little "priority" box would be a great little reminder of the things that should be most important on this weight-loss journey. Earlier this week I updated that little box along with adding my goals for May. I made "Eat Less/Better, Move More" one of my top 3 priorities. It's a simple and smart mantra. I need simple right now.

My number one priority, as you can clearly see, is "Educate Yourself". I'm HUGE on this. I really should go back to school and get my degree in physiology/nutrition, because I love, love, LOVE learning about the effects of diet and exercise on the human body. Lately, however, I think I may be reaching an information overload... and I am becoming addicted to this information. I currently have 3 new books at home about various exercise routines, diets, and nutrition that I am beginning to read. That's not including the 2 magazine subscriptions I have (Fitness and Women's Health), plus all the internet reading I do on the regular (HuffingtonPost Health, Time Health and Science, New York Times Health and Fitness, etc.). Today I stumbled across a new health/fitness magazine that I want to subscribe to: http://experiencelife.com/. I may be out of control. But more importantly, I'm wondering, is this massive amount of information doing me a disservice? I worry if I do too much cardio and not enough strength I will lose weight, but still be uber flabby. I worry if I eat too few calories I'll stunt my metabolism and screw myself - even though a lot of what I've read recently says that "intuitive" eating is best, not scheduled eating.

I got back in the gym Monday night for the first time in too too long - it was awesome! I did some HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training) and put together a great strength training circuit. I felt amazing. Even today, 3 days later, I am feeling the muscle soreness... which makes me wonder if maybe I'm pushing it too hard too fast. I'm in no way close to the fitness level I was at 14 months ago. I need to go back to "beginner" routines and build some base strength and stamina. I mean, this is why I decided to lay off on the Body Breakthrough routines, right? Because I wasn't at a high enough fitness level! So I need to work on slowing down, taking my time, working on my form with lighter weights, etc. And fighting off the inner-monologue telling me that if I don't push myself to the point of energy I'll "never" lose weight - because that's simply not true.

Ideally, I would like to do a beginner HIIT and strength training routine Mon, Weds, Sat and then regular cardio on Tues and Thurs - rest days being Friday and Sunday. However, if I put my expectations too high then I run the risk of "failing" and then moving into a sneaky hate spiral which will lead to not going to the gym at all. So, I'll go ahead and PLAN to exercise 5 days a week, but if it doesn't happen it won't be the end of the world. And if it happens but I only have time to do something for 15 minutes instead of an hour - that's okay, too. Every little bit counts. It's my new motto, sort of.

So did I tell you that I broke my left baby toe? The same one I broke last year? I can't remember and I'm too lazy right now to go back and look.. but I did. It was about a week ago. Then Saturday night I stubbed the broken toe on my husband's shoes that had been left in the middle of our bedroom floor, which made it all swollen and bruise-y again... then last night... I dropped a dinner plate edge-down on the top of my foot right below my two smallest toes on my left foot. It hurt more than childbirth. I'm not kidding you. It immediately turned dark purple and swelled about 4 times a normal toe/top-of-foot size. I couldn't put any weight on it. I cried for 30 minutes. Some of that was the pain.. but mostly because I had planned to get my ass to the gym last night and do some cardio. I felt so damn sorry for myself. But today, after 3 hours of ice, and nearly 12 hours of elevation, it looks somewhat normal. It's still purple.. actually a little more purple... but the pain has subsided quite a bit, plus the swelling has gone down. There's a huge part of me that is thinking, "Yay! Let's go to the gym tonight!", but I know I need to wait to make sure it doesn't get all swollen and ugly again after walking on it all day today.

I kind of went on a couple tangents there... back to my original point when I started this post: I'm considering experimenting with doing what feels natural. I'm still going to count calories because that definitely helps keep my eating habits in line, but with exercise I'm going to quit OVER-educating myself and just do what feels good, what feels right for me and quit worrying about what 101 "experts" have to say. Just for a little while. I am well versed on the "basics" and even the "not-so-basics", so this should be pretty easy. "Should" being the key word there.

Confessions and Realizations

1) I eat too much saturated fat. I just realized this today. I wouldn't say I'm going massively over the DRA (Daily Recommended Allowance), but I'm probably meeting it on a regular basis and one or two days a week exceeding by 5-10 grams. No bueno. ...it's my love of dairy. It's strong.

2) My belly fat is getting out of control... probably no thanks to the above statement.

3) I haven't exercised in 2 weeks (unless you count 3 hours of vigorous house cleaning over the weekend... which maybe I should). This will change this week, though.

I did not weigh-in last weekend, and I almost completely forgot this weekend! My motivation is currently in the toilet and I'm in a sneaky self-hate pattern currently, so I kind of felt like the scale might make that worse, but at the same time felt like if I had lost or at least maintained maybe it would make me feel a little better... so Saturday morning I stepped on that scale. (holy run-on-sentence, batman!)

Official weight @ 04/28/2012: 206 lbs


So I didn't gain or lose anything. I'm right where I was 2 weeks ago. I'm okay with that. I know exactly why - even though I have been good on my calories and my caloric quality (ie: mostly whole foods), my body requires physical activity in order to shed pounds and fat. Diet alone doesn't work for this girl. It's tragic, but true.

I know I need to apologize again for really slacking off on my blogging. The motivation just hasn't been there for much of anything other than sitting on my couch, eating, and watching tv. Oh and sleeping. There has been looots of sleeping lately.

This week I have to just MAKE myself go to the gym. I know once I start going I will want to go. I also really wish I had a buddy. That would make me go more often for sure.

I have sooo many blog ideas I want to put up! Hopefully I can get to that this week.

So sorry!

Oh man, you guys. I'm so sorry for my total disappearance. It's been 8 days since my last post. Unacceptable!

I guess, if you want the truth, I felt like since I haven't been exercising I didn't have much to talk about. Obviously that's not true since I'm still working on the food thing, and I still did my weigh-in last weekend. There's no excuse. It's just pure laziness.

Okay, important things first:

Official weight @ 04/13/2012: 206 lbs


Do you know that means? I've officially lost 10 lbs!!  ...since January 1st. Not quite as impressive when you look at it like that, but at least I'm really trying now and I'm getting back on track.

Biggest thing going on right now: I think I'm giving up on the Fit Female Workout.

I like the types of exercises, but for some of this stuff I don't think I'm at a high enough fitness level for it. I'm going to incorporate some of the circuits I can do into my gym routine and also put some focus on HIIT. After a little research, I'm realizing as much as I hate doing cardio (ANY cardio!) - it will do wonders for the terrible anxiety I've been struggling with lately. So I've packed my iPod full of some new music, and I'm committing to using that expensive gym membership I'm paying for. Plus I might actually check out some classes. I know, it's weird, huh?

Last time I posted I said I wanted to write out what I'm willing to commit  to, my expectations of myself, and my motivators. I didn't do this. Obv. In case you haven't noticed... I'm excellent at planning and/or starting projects... not so great with that whole "follow through". I mean, the above paragraph is a perfect example - but in my defense, I feel like it's a good decision to back off with the Fit Female thing until I get my fitness level up! This is the first time I've done regular exercise in over a year.. so I have to be fair to myself. Also, it's not fun if you feel like you're constantly struggling with something. And for me, it has to stay fun or I'm not going to do it.

I went way over my calories over last weekend, but it was my birthday weekend so I'm not going to feel bad about it!

Calories for yesterday:

04/18/12

• breakfast: regular oatmeal w/ stevia and milk
• am snacks: almonds
• lunch: vegetarian burrito bowl from Qdoba w/ fajita veggies and a coke
• post workout: whey protein fruit smoothie
• dinner: leftover grilled shrimp caprese from birthday dinner at Olive Garden

Total calories: 1,919

Calories burned: 492

Net Calories: 1,427

The Dreaded Sickness, Operation "Jessica Hotness Plan", Weekend Weigh-in and a bunch of other crap...

Rachel Cosgrove (The Female Body Breakthrough) talks a lot in her book about the importance of rest, relaxation, and recovery. Getting enough sleep, decompression time, and giving your muscles the proper time to heal and recover from a workout before doing another workout. If you don't put focus on these three things, your body will force you to put focus on them by... breaking down and getting sick!

Well, apparently my lack of sleep and my high anxiety last week caught up with me. Friday morning I woke up with a scratchy throat and a dry cough... by the middle of the workday it all got worse and it became clear to me that this was definitely bronchitis. I went to bed at 6:15pm, I couldn't function any more. I slept until about 9:30pm, watched Enchanted on Bravo, and went back to sleep until 10am Saturday morning. Saturday I felt so much better! I went and got my hair done, went grocery shopping (with both my kids in tow, no less), and headed to my parents for an early Easter dinner. Well, come about 10pm, I was done for and went to bed. I woke up with the kids Sunday morning feeling like I was dying. I had been up on and off all night coughing, and at that point my sinuses were all congested and I couldn't breathe through my nose. I went back to bed around 10am and slept until 1:30 that afternoon. Still no better. I went to bed at 8:30 Sunday night and could barely get up at 7 for work Monday morning. I DID go to work, though.

Today I FINALLY feel like a normal person. I still have the nasty cough, but at least I don't feel like I got hit by a bus. I'm not sure how doing a workout will go... and I'm not sure if I should try until I'm feeling closer to 100%. That temporary dip in my immune system may send me back into full-on sick mode again, and with this weekend being my birthday weekend, I'm not really trying to spend it in bed again. Maybe I'll just hit the gym and do some cardio and a toned down weight routine instead... I just really don't want to get completed derailed with my routine AGAIN.

*Warning! Warning! Pity Party Approaching!*

I'm trying not to focus on the fact that it's April, and I thought I would be about 10 pounds less than where I am right now. I understand that would have meant a pretty aggressive dive into exercise and changing my diet starting back in January, which I wasn't in the best position to do with a newborn at home, but I do worry that October will roll around and I'll only be about halfway to my halfway goal... instead of all the way to my final goal. The upside is, I'm only 10lbs away from my pre-pregnancy weight... the downside is: sometimes I feel like I've been trying to lose 10lbs for 2 years.

By looking at my weight tracking, I'm averaging about 3lbs/month. That seems so slow. If I stay at this pace, I'll be at roughly 171lbs next April. That's great, but I'd like to be there by the end of THIS year. That's roughly 8 months... 8 months at roughly 1.25lbs a week. That's seemed doable right? I mean, I'm not an insane person - I'm not over-shooting. A pound and quarter a WEEK, is just NOT. ASKING. TOO. MUCH. ...right?

So how to do I do that? Well, it means being realistic about my calorie deficit. It means working out 5 days a week, not two. It means 1600 calories a day, not 2000. It means restriction and daily motivation. Neither of which I'm good at. I think there's this part of me that just thinks this is magically going to happen for me. I never struggled with my weight until James was born. And I feel like it sort of magically happened in the 6 months leading up to my wedding... yes, I was going to the gym 4-5 days a week, but I was also eating Chipotle and bar food and drinking massive amounts of alcohol on an almost-daily basis. How does THAT figure? I'm sure only being 24 had something to do with it, also a starting point of 190 instead of 210 is a big difference. 20lbs is much less than 40lbs. Obviously. But sometimes, y'know, I really wonder if it did have more to do with the fact that I wasn't really obsessing over my food. I'm not even sure that I was counting calories.. or if I was, I was totally half-assing it because I didn't really give a crap. I just don't remember constantly thinking about how many calories I was burning or eating.

I feel like I have this little Fitness Life Crisis every few months. I'm sure you've all heard (read) it before... and then I up and change EVERYTHING I'm doing, only to go into crisis again a few months later because nothing is working... or, y'know, I get pregnant.

(THAT WILL NOT BE HAPPENING)

*End Pity Party Rant*

I guess I need to just sit down and figure out what I'm really comfortable with. What can I actually expect from myself?

There's this part of me that wants to say that it's more about being healthy and less about being sexy... but I have to be honest: today, right now, in this moment (and in most moments), it is ALL about being sexy. Healthy would be nice, too. But I am seriously more looks-centric right now, than I-put-healthy-stuff-in-my-body-everyday centric. Is that bad? Or is it okay, as long as I get sexy in a healthy way?

I'm not saying I'm going to get all disordered-eating over here or anything. I'm not saying I'm going to start lifting weights every moment of everyday or spending my life on the elliptical machine. I'm just saying, my driving motivation is pure vanity. The Jessica Hotness Plan, I used to call it. I think I've probably said that here once or twice, as well.

Okay, so, goal for this week: Write out what I can expect from myself, what I can honestly commit to, and what my top motivating factors are.

Moving on to other normal stuff... weekly weigh-in results are:

Official weight @ 4/07/2012: 207.4 lbs


Okay. Not bad. A loss is a loss is a loss. But for some reason I keep focusing on that 3 week plateau at 209... I'm going to try not to focus on that because it is past, and it doesn't matter. It doesn't effect my future goals and priorities.

My average calorie intake since my last post is 1,566/day. That is literally an average. I was, however, super sick over the weekend... I'm not sure a normal 5 day average would be anywhere near that reasonable.

I'm planning to NOT wait another almost-week before posting again. I'm going to plan on hitting the gym or the basement weights tonight. Stay tuned!

Learning to Love Fitness?

I think my ultimate goal in life is to truly love fitness. I think I have a type of love for health and fitness now, in that I'm interested in it and want to learn.. but I'm talking more about the actual ACT of exercise. It's just so up and down for me. Sometimes I enjoy it so immensely, and then other days it's all I can do to take a 15 minute walk.

It's crucial for me to develop this love. My depression and anxiety are starting to get the very best of me and the only thing outside of prescription medication that really helps me stay in control is regular, vigorous exercise and a healthy mostly-whole-food diet. I've been doing SO much better on my eating and I'm thrilled with myself on that, and I see a huge difference in my depression with that - the anxiety? Not so much.

The anxiety is tricky. I spoke a little last week about how I am constantly worried I might die at any moment of a stroke or other such improbable attack. Sometimes exercise has a tendency to exacerbate this worry. All these things happen to your body when you exercise that don't always feel "normal"; high heart rate, profuse sweating, shortness of breath... these are all things you WANT to be happening while you're exercising, since that's kind of a sign that you're doing it correctly. These are also things that trigger my brain to alert my adrenaline that it better kick into high gear because... SURELY I'M DYING! This must be a STROKE! A HEART ATTACK! QUICK! DO SOMETHING!!

Obviously, my logical self is going, "Body, cut that shit out. It's just a little weight lifting. Really, you'll be okay. Really this will make you feel so much better in the long run." To which I get the response of, "LIES ALL LIES WE ARE DYING!!!"

So much fun.

Lately I can't stop thinking about how I never used to be this way. I never had panic attacks or high anxiety. Easily excitable? Yes. Panicky? Not so much. Unless it was called for. But certainly not panicky over some simple split-stance-romanian-dumbell-squats... okay, maybe "simple" isn't the best term there... but you get the drift. So now I'm wondering, do I need to throw some good old steady-pace cardio into the mix? Even though it's NOT part of this program? Is my heart maybe.. not as healthy as I think it is?

Mostly I'm just damn sure I need to quit smoking. It's so ridiculous.. most of the I'm-gonna-die anxiety comes from the inner-monologue of, "You know you shouldn't smoke and take birth control. You know that could make you have a stroke or a blood clot. You know how your fingers are feeling all tingly right now? That's probably because you smoke and take birth control and now you're gonna have a stroke." So you'd think - okay, what's the easiest solution here? QUIT SMOKING. I'm not one of those people that "nic fits". It is a purely social activity for me. I can easily go 4 or 5 days without a cigarette, but as soon as I go meet up with some smoker friends and they start smoking - well, I want one now. Now that you're smoking, I want to smoke too. It's also tied up in my idea of myself. Who I see myself as in my head. I see myself as a smoker. Who am I if I don't drink and I don't smoke? I think that's a big part of why I was so down during my pregnancy. I felt like I wasn't ME. I'm not saying that's the best me to be.. I'm just saying right now I feel like it's who I am and I kind of like that it's who I am. I enjoy being a smoker, I guess. Not so much the act of smoking - but being a smoker. I just need to figure out how to still feel like me, but without that. Might be something to bring up with my counselor!

Moving on...

So far so good on the exercise this week! 2 workouts completed so far and I'm even contemplating doing some yoga tonight (anything to help the anxiety). We'll see. Maybe I can even get Mike to do it with me.

In the meantime, here's yesterday's food:

4/04/2012:

• breakfast: cranberry flaxseed oatmeal w/ milk, almonds
• am snack: donut (damn donuts at the office... my husband may have to be murdered for that)
• lunch: Five Guys little cheeseburger w/ pickles, mushrooms, mustard, 1/2 order of fries (obviously not the healthiest option in the world, but I was having a craving)
• dinner: provolone w/ some olive oil and sea salt crackers, two squares of dark chocolate
• post workout: whey protein fruit shake

Total calories: 1,969

Calories burned: 500

Net calories: 1,469

In Spite of Myself: Weekend weigh-in, depression, and a mulligan

 Well. I lost 3.5 lbs last week in spite of myself.

Official Weight @ 3/31/2012: 208 lbs.

I did not work out one. Single. Time. Last week. All that talk of changing the week and blah blah blah was a bunch of malarkey! I pretty much sat on the couch and stared at the wall.

My depression was tres bad. (That’s French for “very”.) I had no motivation. I had to give myself a mental pep talk just to EMPTY THE DISHWASHER Tuesday night. It was downright pitiful.

Here’s the thing: I was not down on myself. Let me clarify: I was down. But not on myself.

Do you see the difference?

Normal Jess-Depression: “I’m so fat, I’m so lazy, I’m a terrible mother, I’m a terrible wife, I’ll never do anything right, my house will never be clean, I’ll never be organized because I’m so fat, I’m so lazy, I’m a terrible mother, I’m a terrible wife and I never do anything right.” Rinse and repeat.

Last week Jess-Depression: “I don’t care. I could workout, but I don’t want to. I don’t care. I just… don’t. care. I am done with life, please and thank you. I’m over it. No feelings. Just apathy.” And then I stopped caring enough to even HAVE an inner-monologue. That’s right. Just nothing. A whoooole lot of nothingness and wall-staring.

I’m thinking this may be some postpartum depression. I know my hormones are going nuts ‘cause I’m starting the Great Post-Pregnancy Shed – ie: my hair is falling out all over the place. I’m going to ask my doctor about it when I go in for my annual in a couple weeks. I’ll keep you guys posted on this.

So I guess one good thing is that I wasn’t beating myself up about anything… because it honestly just didn’t really matter at all. And even though I didn’t exercise, I didn’t sabotage my eating. In fact, I ate surprisingly well. I even stayed within my calorie limit including adult beverages over the weekend, which almost never happens.

Alright, I definitely fell off the exercise bandwagon. But this week I'm hopping back on. I even already did my workout. Just now, I just finished. I'm currently sitting here blogging, sipping my whey protein shake, and feeling pretty damn good about myself. Since I mucked everything up during week 2, I'm going to pick back up at week 2. So this will officially be my Week 2. Have I said week 2 enough? This means I'll move on to the next phase the week of April 23rd. 

Now, here is something I'm pretty damn proud of - check out my most recent pictures! 

Also check out my awesome new pink shoes... they're ugly, but they are pretty badass. They're those new Reebok RealFlex. I love them! I'm going to put these up on my photo page... I think there's a pretty noticeable difference. :)

Today's food:

4/02/2012

• breakfast: regular oatmeal w/ stevia and milk, almonds
• am snacks: organic peach yogurt, apples w/ natural peanut butter
• lunch: thai chicken wrap w/ baked lays and a strawberry smoothie from Tropical Smoothie Cafe (this was way more calories than I expected and/or wanted it to be)
• dinner: bagel w/ cream cheese, fruit shake w/ whey protein

Total calories: 2,214

Calories burned: 500

Net calories: 1,714

Splenda is Evil: A day in the life of an Anxietist

First things first: I did not ever get around to my second workout last week. I just.. didn't. I don't know what happened. For some reason, I just couldn't motivate. Part of it is that I try to squeeze too much stuff into one afternoon sometimes, and my workout took last priority instead of first on Thurs, Fri, AND Saturday. It's super lame. But I'm trying really hard not to beat the mental crap out of myself over it, because it's a new week. I can't change last week, but I can decide what to do with this week. Now I just have to find the motivation...

I have done really well with my food. I won't go through nearly a week's with of food updates, but let's just say that I did well and stayed within my calories limits with the exception of Friday and Saturday night adult beverages - but this was expected and anticipated.

On to other things...

Here is something some of you may not know about me: I am an Anxietist. This is not really a real word.. I don't think, anyway. Basically, I suffer from some pretty bad anxiety on almost a daily basis. Most of this stems from thinking my body is somehow conspiring against me so that I may just up and die from something weird and unexpected at any moment. It's fun. -.-   So when things like, oh say, my hands, feet, and face start randomly tingling and going numb on and off for no reason on a perfectly pleasant Sunday evening, I have a pretty major panic attack.

I'm forever terrified that I'm going to die of a stroke at a young age. Two things contribute to this fear: 1) I'm a smoker who takes birth control, and 2) I get migraine headaches with an aura, which means I'm over 20% more likely to suffer from a stroke or other neurological weirdness in my lifetime... and not just when I'm old. These things have been shown to happen in people in the late teens and early twenties. W. T. F.

Needless to say, when my body parts start tingling and going numb I'm pretty much deciding that it's got to be some sort of stroke happening.. even though I'm, in general, feeling okay. I can still move all my facial muscles like I normally would... I can still speak normally, walk normally, etc. I tell myself everything is okay. Nothing bad is happening. I'm probably just overly tired, etc.

The next day (yesterday), I do a little research and find that this Tingly Weirdness can be a sign of migraine. I get all kinds of nasty migraine symptoms - Tingly Weirdness not being one of them. But that's fine. It's entirely probable that Tingly Weirdness is now going to be a normal symptom of migraine for me. I haven't had a migraine in a long time, though. Months. And I never did get the headache part. Only the Tingly Weirdness. Hmm.

My migraines are usually triggered by something. Not eating often enough, severe sleep deprivation, dehydration, eating too many sweets, consuming artificial sweeteners - to name a few. These are the main culprits. As long as I can avoid these top 5, I'm good to go. Did a little more thinking and internet poking around... and realized that my Tingly Weirdness started around 8:15... I drank a Coke Zero (which contains Splenda/sucralose) around 7:30.

A little background: my husband, Mike, shortly after the first of the year switched from regular soda to diet soda in an effort to lose some weight. I used to drink coke zero all the time a few years back, but gave up artifical sweeteners during 2008 after reading a bunch about how, y'know, they are CHEMICALS THAT CAN CAUSE CANCER  AND DESTROY YOUR BODY.

Okay, so Mike starts drinking coke zero like it's going out of style.. it's in our house all the time... so I start drinking one every couple of days with dinner or as a snack.. and then I start realizing that I feel all headachy and gross all the time. I'm like, "Wtf? What is happening to me? Why do I feel like this all the time?" and so I'm trying to think if there's anything different with my normal day-to-day habits and I link it to the coke zero. Alright, fine, I quit drinking it. Until Sunday night, for some reason, when I decided that I HAD to have soda with my homemade cheeseburger... and then the Tingle Weirdness.

Today it just seems to be lingering in my face.. and I've had sort of a dull headache, so I'm thinking this is the very-common migraine "aftershock". Hopefully by tomorrow I'll feel normal. This definitely prevented me from working out tonight. Call me crazy, but something about neurological weirdness going on doesn't make me want to boost my heart rate up to 188 and jump around a whole bunch. Maybe that's just a bad excuse and if I'd done it anyway I'd be feeling closer to normal right now. Who knows?

My depression is definitely creeping in on me this week. I felt it being sneaky over the weekend, but I managed to drown that out with lots of beer (super healthy, right?). Now that the workweek has begun, drinking lots of beer is not really a viable option. Just another reason why I should have worked out tonight - exercise = natural depression ass-kicker. But it's a vicious cycle.

Woe is me.

Oh! Here is something fun and exciting: I am in my friend Andrea's wedding in October and my bridesmaid dress recently came in. It is gorgeous! But even more exciting: I ordered it in a 14 and it fits! Barely. But it's fits!

...my only thing about that is that I hope and pray my subconscious doesn't take that as a cue to go ahead and sabotage my whole Jessica Hotness Plan. We'll see.

By the way, I weighed-in Friday:

Official weight @ 3/23/2012: 211.4lbs


Now, remember last week I weighed in on Friday and was up, but then Saturday morning was back to 209.. well I didn't reweigh this weekend because I hadn't done a workout Thursday night so I didn't have a valid water retention excuse... except that I did start my period on Sunday. So that factors in. Logically, I know this is totally okay. I'm not really gaining. I'm maintaining. Unfortunately I'm just maintaining at about 30-40lbs higher than where I'd LIKE to be maintaining. It's a process. I have to remember that. Plus, I was warned the scale would be my MORTAL ENEMY during this Body Breakthrough program. But I think I'm really letting it get me down... and as much as I want to quit weighing myself, I don't wanna. Maybe I need to scale it back to like, twice a month or something. I don't know. We'll see. I don't want to really tweak what I'm doing too much though, because then I start to feel like I'm just trying to make myself appear like I'm doing better than I actually am. I promised myself and my readers this time around that I would be 100% honest. That means not manipulating my freaking data all over the place to make me seem more successful than I am.

So, I think it's pretty obvious at this point that I won't be meeting my 5 pound goal for March. Unless I miraculously drop 7lbs in the next 5 days. Wouldn't THAT be nice? I think that's another thing that's getting me down.. I was so confident I could reach that goal. Sad panda.

Today's food:

3/27/2012

• breakfast: cranberry and flaxseed oatmeal w/ 1/8cup of milk, almonds
• am snack: apples w/ natural peanut butter
• lunch: 6" turkey on wheat from subway, organic peach yogurt, more almonds, a serving of bbq baked lays
• dinner: Biggest Loser baked ziti
• pm snack: tortilla chips w/ salsa

Total calories: 1,529

2 Days of Food

I know. I said I was going to start posting food logs again. I forgot. So here's 2 days of food for you!!

3/20/12

·         Breakfast:  regular oatmeal w/ stevia and a little milk, a donut (yes, again), some almonds

·         am snacks: organic peach yogurt, apples w/ peanut butter

·         Lunch: Cici’s pizza – 2 slizes (think frozen pizza sized slices, so, small) of each veggie, cheese, pepperoni… and then of course I had a couple super skinny slices of dessert pizza. Oh, dessert pizza, why must you be so delicious?!

·         Dinner: cottage cheese with fresh strawberries

·         Pm snack: fruit smoothie with whey protein

·         Exercise: Base Phase Workout B

Total Calories: 1814

Estimated Calories Burned: 600

Net Calories: 1214

3/21/12

·         Breakfast: regular oatmeal w/ stevia and milk, banana

·         Am snacks: almonds and strawberry yogurt

·         Lunch: Qdoba veggie bowl, half rice extra black beans and a 16oz coke

·         Dinner: turkey and swiss sandwich

·         Pm snacks: iced sweetened passion tea from Starbucks, two beers

Total Calories: 2282

Obviously no exercise last night. And I honestly forgot about those beers until just now. This seems to be my pattern lately. On exercise days I end up eating relatively little, and then on non-exercise days I hit or exceed the 2,000 mark. It’s okay I guess, since it all evens out. And there’s nothing wrong with giving my metabolism that boost on those off days as long as I’m not regularly reaching that 2,500-3,000 range every other day.

I’m actually feeling really good about my eating this week. There have obviously been some fast-food type things thrown in the mix, but overall I feel like I’m eating mostly intuitively. If I’m hungry, I have something. If I’m not, I don’t. None of this wanting to eat just because I'm bored stuff that I usually struggle with.

My general goal is 2,000 or less for the day, but I’m not stressing on that. It feels good to just eat without a constant, nagging inner-monologue going on in the back of my head. Even with those donuts earlier this week. I ate one, it was whatever. I moved through the rest of my day without feeling guilty about it until having to post it to this blog lol. But even then, as soon as I wrote it out, it was forgotten. For someone who has been on-and-off obsessing over every bite that goes into her mouth for almost 3 years, that’s a huge accomplishment. HUGE. Now the trick is to keep it up!

The Big Difference

So, I cheated a little bit… I re-weighed myself Saturday morning and was back at 209 lbs.. and that was after eating breakfast. This is just proof to me that my theory of water retention post-workout was correct. Go me, being all scientific and stuff!

This week if I do my workout Tues/Thurs, I will probably delay my weigh-in until Saturday morning. If I decide to go ahead to do my workout tonight (Monday) and Wednesday, then I’ll stick with my usual Friday weigh-in. This way I give my body a full 24 hours and-then-some of recovery before weigh-in and that should result in less water retention than, say, 10 or 12 hours post-workout. We’ll see.

I think I talked a little bit earlier this week about this phase of the program really only requiring 2 workouts a week and how I’d like to try to get 3 in, etc, etc.. I definitely got 3 workouts in. It wasn’t even a question.

Saturday morning, even after drinking a little Friday night, I got up and banged out another round of Workout A, which took me about an hour. It felt AMAZING! Even though I was tired and a little hung over, I pushed through and pushed hard and afterward I felt 100 times better than I had when I first woke up. Who knew? Hangover cure = strength training. Sunday morning, after enjoying St. Patrick’s Day and celebrating a friend’s birthday a little too much, I found myself wanting to workout again.. even after only about 4 hours of sleep. What is this?! What is this WANTING to workout thing?!

That’s the big difference. So far, on this program, I find myself loving my workouts. I look forward to exercising. I find myself wanting to eat healthier to fuel my body to be able to push as hard as I can during these workouts. It’s an amazing feeling. I’ve never felt this way about exercising. I’ve never enjoyed it. I’ve never seen results so quickly. My arms are already losing their jiggle, my back-fat is fast disappearing - I’m getting CALVES, people!!! I’ve never had calf muscles in my life. Oh, and I have a butt. It’s small, but it’s getting there.   !!! <- those are my excited exclamation points.

Maybe that’s what makes the difference – the being able to see results so quickly. The knowing that this is actually doing something to my body, and in a good way.

On another note, I feel like I'm finally getting back on track with my eating. It's going to be a process, though, I can tell. I'm going to go back to posting my meals like I used to. May as well start with today:

• breakfast: plain oatmeal w/ stevia and a splash of milk, chocolate cake donut (at work - damn my husband and his donut bringing!)
• am snack: cottage cheese with fresh cut strawberries
• lunch: small garden salad w/ black bean salsa, a little cheese, 1 tbsp of spicy ranch dressing, and a lean cuisine baja chicken quesadilla thing
• dinner: 3 tacos using 90/10 ground beef, 40% less sodium taco seasoning, whole wheat tortillas and a little cheese

Total calories: 1,380

I may have another salad and some fruit in a little while, but that should only add about 150 calories to my count for the day. Still not bad at all. Aside from that donut, I think I did pretty well. 

A quick note on life: a couple weeks ago my baby decided he would no longer like to sleep through the night. The 3am feedings recommenced. We started him on some cereal and a little fruit - that makes his belly hurt. Last Thursday he finally decided to start sleeping until about 5am... getting closer to being back through the night... but now tonight and last night he's decided he hates GOING to bed. Enter in the crying-it-out phase. I hate this. I hate listening to him scream his little lungs out. 1) it makes me a little sad, and 2) it makes me want to claw my eyes out and/or maybe sell him to the gypsies. Ah, the life of a mother. Next time around I'm having puppies instead. Or just all kinds of animals. Sounds like a good deal to me. 

Weigh-in hiccups, and feelings on Workout B

Last night was my second workout for Phase 1, Week 1. I’m thinking I may have benefitted from giving my body an extra day of rest. It was really hard for me to push myself last night. I was still sweating profusely, I know my heart rate was through the roof – I did not wear my heart rate monitor this time, though. Sometimes when I see what my heart rate actually is, it freaks me out pretty bad and I’ve definitely sent myself into a panic attack a couple times. I decided to just go by my “perceived rate of exertion” – ie: listen to your body and if you can’t breathe so well, take a break!  I did my rests like I was supposed to this time, and that definitely helped with the “omg, I’m going to die” feeling both during and after the workout.

There were supposed to be two cable exercises during last night’s routine, but I did not go to the gym so I kind of had to fudge through those with dumbbell alternates. I didn’t research well enough before starting my circuit, though, and the alternative for the cable lat pull-down I used was pretty worthless. Now I know better. That, or maybe next week I’ll feel comfortable enough to go do at least Workout B at the gym where I have access to the cable pulls.

I’ll tell you the toughest part of last night’s workout, though: the inch-worms during warm-up. My traps were killing me, and it made them so hard! (In case you’re interested in some inchworms for your own workout: go here) I didn’t do the full 10, I think I got through about 6. That extra day of rest may have made all the difference, but this way I can hopefully get a third workout in on Saturday.

I can’t wait for my strength to build up, because some of these things kill me right now! Even just the warm-up exercises. This has really brought my current fitness/strength into perspective. I’m a squishy weakling!

A note on soreness: Ms. Cosgrove makes a super big deal about stretching and this thing called “foam rolling” – some of you may be familiar with this technique. Basically you take a cylindrical piece of foam and roll your body over it in different ways. I did not have a foam roller, I had never even heard of a foam roller. I bought one – they are fairly inexpensive. Oh man. It is pretty great, not gonna lie. I have significantly less soreness today and I am pretty sure I can thank my foam roller for that. It felt so amazing to basically massage all my muscles after my workout. And that is the basic idea: this thing massages your body and assists in the recovery process. I’m supposed to do it twice a week outside of my normal workouts. I’m totally down with that because it feels awesome!

Alright… so… my weigh-in. I am kind of dreading this, but at the same time feel oddly okay with it.

Official weight @ 3/16/2012: 211.2 lbs.

I know, I know.. you’re probably thinking: what is THAT all about?! At first, I wanted to blame my terrible eating from the past two weeks. But even though I was eating a lot of crap, I wasn’t really going crazy in calorie intake – yes, it was higher than it should be for weight LOSS, but not so high that I shouldn’t have maintained weight.

Here’s my theory on my weight gain: lifting weights and general strength/resistance training, can cause water retention in your muscles during the recovery period – anywhere from 3 to 7 days, depending on how much you’re pushing your body. Considering how difficult these workouts have been for me (the warm-up alone, geez!), I’m thinking my muscles are retaining some serious water and are actually considering turning in their resignation in order to go search for a new body to occupy. I’m really not concerned with the gain. I feel great, I can already see my tone returning in places (arms! Yay!), and the book gave me fair warning that the scale could be my enemy during this process. This weekend I need to remember to whip out those temperature jeans!

The other thing is, I’m not following the nutritional plan at all right now. I felt like with the amount of stress I’m under both at home and at work, this could be a terrible time to start feeling like I’m denying myself the simple pleasures in life. And beer. With this, I also understand that my results on this program may not come as quickly as they would if I were 100% on board with the nutritional plan. Right now I’m okay with that. A month from now? I may change my mind. But a month from now things at work will have at least calmed down a bit. I am working on making better choices when it comes to eating, but I’m nowhere near being 90% clean with my eating. I’m counting calories again, and that helps keep me in check with a lot. I haven’t decided whether or not to start posting my calorie goals yet. Stay tuned.

Positive Thought of the Day

I have an awesome waist-to-hip ratio. True. Fact.

Starting point, post-workout feelings, and lots of other stuff!

So last night I wrote a little bit about how the workout made me feel like I was dying.. just a little.. and that my heart might explode. Well, I feel pretty freaking fantastic today. I’m sore, but it’s a good sore – and the muscles that are sore are already forcing me to stand and sit straighter because it just plain hurts to hunch. My only complaint is: I wish I felt it in my abs more. I know the only reason I’m NOT feeling it more in my belly is because I was not doing one of the core exercises correctly. I was going to quickly and not focusing on my form. Now I know for next time.

You know where I’m feeling it the MOST? My butt. Rachel Cosgrove talks a bit in the book about how your average person pretty much doesn’t use their gluteal muscles at all anymore – since we spend most of our days sitting at a desk or on a couch. Basically we, especially women, have these atrophied booties. Also known as “white girl butt”. Well, that’s what I call it anyway… and I have a bad case. But I’m thinking after 16 weeks of this stuff, that won’t be the case anymore! And I’m pretty freaking excited about that, because I would LOVE to have a nice butt! Perhaps we shall now refer to this program as “Project Build-a-Butt”. I’m just hoping having a butt at the end of my fitness experiment doesn’t make it that much harder to find jeans that fit well. Being tall and heavy-hipped makes that hard enough as it is!

My only con about this so far: I’m so out of shape I definitely do NOT feel comfortable going through this routine at the gym – yet. Now, that’s my own hang-up. Someone else might not see any issue with it. Also: I’m a terrible jumper. I am NO GOOD at plyometrics. I don’t think I could jump to save my life. Sadness. But, as with everything in this program, that will improve with practice! And practice it I will, since it is 80% of the warm-up that you MUST perform at the beginning of every workout.

The next phase (in 4 weeks) will require access to more varying weights, which will force me into the gym, but for right now I’m totally okay with building my base strength at home and I’m thankful that I have some free weights at home to have that option.. otherwise I’m afraid that my embarrassment would keep me from doing the workouts at all. Unless I had a gym buddy. Then we could look ridiculous together! Any takers? J

Pro: Doing this – at least this first workout – makes me want to not smoke. There’s this huge “disclaimer” type thing in the 2^nd chapter (I think?) about how “fit females DO NOT SMOKE. You can’t smoke and be fit. It’s counter-productive” etc, etc, etc… yes yes. Well. We’ll see how it goes. I haven’t talked much about my smoking habit on here since my return to the blogging world, but most of you know that I picked it back up over the holidays. I know I need to quit, I just don’t particularly want to. I really do enjoy smoking. Yes, yes – I’m sure I won’t “enjoy” the cancer is may give me. Shut your faces. …ANYWAYS… getting back to it: the workout made me not want to smoke. Hopefully that will continue. Wouldn’t that be nice?

Okay, so onto the eating! The book advises clean eating 90% of the time. Well, I’m not going to focus so much on that right now. One thing at a time, as I’m already completely overwhelmed in almost every other aspect of my life. I’m hoping as I exercise and get in better shape this will lead me to craving more good-for-me foods. I’ve experienced this in the past. And it’s definitely in the back of my head after finishing a workout that I need to feed my body well in order to get the results I expect. Yesterday and today were definite WINS on the eating front. Oatmeal, yogurt, almonds, fruits, healthier lunch choices (Subway and Qdoba), and homemade dinners. Definitely a better option than fast food, fast food, and maybe some bar food and beer on top of that fast food. Some of you may be thinking Qdoba = not the healthiest option out there. Well, I do pretty well. I always get the vegetarian bowl and today I asked for only about a quarter of the amount of rice they usually give you, plus extra black beans and the rest is just veggies and salsa, salsa, salsa plus some guac. I do get the cheese and sour cream, but unlike Chipotle, they don’t drown your food in it. It’s probably right at or a little above what an actual serving of cheese and sour cream should be. All told, we’re looking at about 650 calories. I’m okay with that for lunch since I don’t eat large dinners usually. I do need to be better about not eating OUT for lunch so often, but that’s more from a financial standpoint than anything else.

Also, I wanted to go ahead and post some starting measurements for this Body Breakthrough program… which, now that I’m thinking about it, is actually called the Fit Female Program… so yeah.. that.. whatever..

Starting Measurements @ 3/12/2012

• Estimated Body Fat % (YMCA formula): 36%  (I want to say this may actually be closer to 40%, but we’ll just go ahead and stick with what the YMCA formula says)
• Weight: 209 lbs
• Waist: 36” / 41” at navel
• Chest: 41”
• Hips: 47”
• Thighs: 28”
• Arms (flexed): 13”
• Jean/Pant Size: 18
• Shirt Size: L or XL, depending on the brand

Let me explain my reason for listing my clothing sizes: part of this program is breaking the bond with the scale. For my own purposes, I will continue to do my weekly weigh-in. Mainly because, I’m pretty sure I’m carrying enough actual fat on my frame right now that I’m going to see the number drop significantly before it even thinks about creeping back up due to the gain of lean muscle mass. One thing Rachel is really adamant about is using a pair of “Temperature Jeans” to measure your progress in place of the scale. These “temperature jeans” should be a pair of jeans (or just regular pants, I guess, if you want) that maybe you used to fit into back-in-the-day, or maybe even a new pair of pants in your goal size. Each phase, she suggests putting on the temperature jeans to gauge progress. When you’ve reached HOT (get it? Hot? TEMPERATURE JEANS? Funny stuff, I tell ya.), your jeans should fit. Now, obviously, your goal size has to be REALISTIC. I’m 5’10 with a natural pear shape. My goal size cannot be a size 4. I wore a size 8 when I was 11 and had like no fat anywhere on my body. Let’s just be honest here. I would like to, eventually, be a size 12. I don’t think I currently have any size 12s living anywhere in my boxes of old “skinny” clothes… but I’m pretty sure I have a 14 in there somewhere, and if I can get down to a 14 in the next 16 weeks – or, shoot, even 32 weeks -  I would be pretty freakin’ happy.

So, yes. There’s my reason for giving my current clothing size. Perhaps I will even take a picture of myself trying to squeeze into my temperature jeans. We will see about that, depending on how sad it is.

Oh! And, of course, you see I’ve listed my current estimated body fat % - which, by the way, is catergorized as “obese”. Thank you, thank you. *bows*  The main point of this program is not WEIGHT loss, but FAT loss. And the only way to really accurately gauge that is by estimated body fat percentage and measurements. My ULTIMATE goal body fat percentage is 26. I need to lose roughly 28% of my current body fat percentage to get there. That’s a lot to ask for over 16 weeks. Short term goal is 10% loss. That would be pretty awesome. That would bring me back into the “overweight” range. Lol.

So there it is, folks! On with the experiment!