A little deviation

I'm going to deviate a little bit from my "usual" on health, fitness, what-I'm-eating, etc. right now to talk a little bit more on recent emotional struggles. I know I've mentioned here before that I started seeing a counselor regularly last year and have really struggled with anxiety and some depression since the end of 2009.

I'm really proud of how far I've come with my emotional growth over the last 6 months or so. It's been really hard to not fall back on my normal tendency to rage about everything, and to worry about what everyone else is doing all the time, and get all wrapped up in the needless drama. It's been hard to focus on me and what my issues are. I realized I kept myself in the middle of lots of other people's chaos because it made it easy to avoid the constant negative inner-monologue about myself. It made it easier to forget how much I disliked myself and to forget all the past negativity I was holding onto.

I would go so far as to say: I've become a completely different person than who I was this time last year. In ways that I think are positive and healthy. Some of the people I know may not agree. They may feel like I've been unavailable as a friend, maybe even that I'm not as "fun" as I used to be. I struggle with those feelings, too. Sometimes I feel like a terrible friend, like I'm distant or uninterested. I feel like I'm not fun anymore either.

Mostly what I'm learning is that being a Real Live Adult is really fuckin' hard. Having two kids is stressful. Working full time and running a household is stressful. Working on a marriage and keeping communication lines open in that marriage is a full-time job all on its own. Trying to keep my social life as active as it was a year ago or two years ago is not an option for me right now. There are only so many things I can focus all of my attention on. But on that note, and what really I'm struggling with the most now, what's triggering my old habits of focusing and feeding on negativity is this: exclusion.

It seems so silly, doesn't it? It shouldn't even matter. It doesn't matter in the big picture. In the grand scheme of things and my life and where I intend my life to go, this shouldn't even be a blip on the radar.

But it still fuckin' hurts. A lot. It triggers my self-loathing hardcore, as I have a tendency to pride myself on being a well-liked and desirable person to be around. This could be complete delusion, but I like to think there's some truth to it.

As someone who just recently gained access to a Real Life Adult mindset, the rational side of me completely understands that one can't always be included in everything - just as one can't always attend everything they are invited to. There are very good and real reasons for being excluded. Most of the time it's not even an "on purpose" thing or meant to be hurtful in any way. And that's fine. But it doesn't make it feel any better.

It just seems like, when you have lots of mutual friends, you have to be careful of what is said and where (ie: Facebook). If you know Sally So-and-So wasn't invited to Johnny's July 4th BBQ, but you're all mutual friends - don't blab on and on about how excited you are to be going to Johnny's party to Sally. Or Sally's boyfriend. Or on your Facebook. Or on her sister's Facebook wall. Or your twitter. And you can say all you want, "Why? Why should I protect someone's feelings like that, why is it MY responsibility?" - to which I would answer, it's not your responsibility if you really don't care that you're hurting that person's feelings, but I wouldn't really expect them to stay friends with you for very much longer if you're going to act like your feelings are the only feelings that matter.

I'm not trying to say everybody should do as I say - I'm just saying, for me, knowing that I've been or am being excluded from things that a year ago I would have been included in, hurts my feelings and makes me feel like maybe I don't have as many close friends as I thought I did. It also makes me feel like maybe those friends just enjoy me more as an emotional wreck than as a healthy, stable person.

I'm not saying, "Everyone must invite me to EVERYTHING!". I'm not saying that at all. That would be ridiculous. I'm just saying I am so much more aware of my actions since I started working on myself. I'm much more aware of my feelings and how my feelings and actions affect other people in my life. And now, more than ever, I try to follow that Golden Rule: Treat others as you wish to be treated.

I'm just putting it out there, that out of everything I've been through in life, out of the terrible way I've been treated by some people - that for some reason this one little thing that shouldn't matter is mattering a whole lot to me at this time in my life. I'm just putting my feelings out into the world in an effort to work through this crap way of feeling and move on and get over it. It's nobody's fault, it's not one person or one situation. It's the culmination of a lot of things that have transpired in the last 8 months or so. It's all about the "getting to me". It all finally started getting to me and eating away at my self-esteem, so it was time to just vent it out.

I know I'm a good person and a good friend. I know that I have good people in my life. I also know it's not all about me. I just have to keep reminding myself of that last part.