WAY Far Gone

“Maybe I’ll just give myself a couple days.”

That’s what I said a week ago. Well, a couple days turned into a whole week… a week filled with some  smart food choices, but mostly filled with pizza (4 times in 3 days) and beer and movie theatre snacks. And more beer. Oh! And no sleep. Less than 5-6 hours a night.

No wonder my pants don’t fit right today.

That’s right, folks. MY PANTS DON’T FIT TODAY. Now, logically I know this is due to water retention/bloat from my poor eating, lack of exercise, and general lack of priorities when it comes to sleep… but two solid weeks of little-to-no exercise certainly isn’t helping me – and, of course, my complete and total lack of regard for my diet and what I’m feeding my body. (Look out – here comes the self-hate cycle!!) I’ve started hating on myself pretty hardcore the last couple days. For my regular followers, you know this is pretty typical when I’m not keeping up with regular exercise and eating smart. My jeans digging into my belly as I write this is a pretty clear sign that I need to kick my ass in gear this evening and either get a jog in or hit the weights or something… ANYTHING!!

I’ve been trying to figure out what set me off on this (the food is just laziness and falling back into bad habits – see also: lack of willpower) – and I think I’ve narrowed it down to boredom. While I’ve continued to enjoy running/sprinting a few times a week, my strength routine is getting me DOWN, man. I have no motivation. I think part of it is feeling like I’m not seeing results – but, shit, how am I supposed to see results when a) I’m feeding my body processed junk every day, and b) I’m not CONSISTENTLY lifting? Half the effort = half the results, none effort = none results… and on top of this I’m afraid I’m starting to gain back body fat… not weight, mind you. Fat. My weight hasn’t fluctuated below/above 189/192 in 9 months.  …let’s not even get started on my ever-present disappointment with that… but, more importantly, I’ve gained some inches back around my waist since the beginning of July when my junk food addiction returned full-force.

I’ve never been one to really preach hardcore “clean eating”, because Lord knows I don’t follow that… but I’m realizing more and more how super important it is to have fast food/restaurant food be the exception and not the norm.

Back to the exercise boredom… I’m thinking about doing a week or two of 30 Day Shred (again), just to get myself back into the swing of things. I may supplement this with running, I may not. We shall see. But I am done with allowing myself excuses. It’s one thing to take an extra rest day (or two) due to some deep muscle soreness and/or shin splints acting up, etc. – it’s NOT okay to take extra rest day just for the sake of laziness and feeling sorry for one’s self. It doesn’t make me feel better physically or emotionally. In fact, it just makes it worse.

I also need to start acting like a damn grown-up and making sleep a priority regardless of what day of the week it may be. Sleeping less than 5-6 hours a night just because it’s Friday or Saturday is unacceptable and is probably reason numero uno that I’m starting to pack back on the fat. Sleep is so important for proper hormone function, especially while working toward fat/weight loss. I would also do myself a big favor by not using beer as a lifting recovery beverage!!

DO YOU HEAR THAT, JESS?! QUIT TREATING YOUR BODY LIKE A TRASH RECEPTICLE!!

*sigh* Just when you think you’ve got it under control, folks – the universe reminds you: You Don’t.

On a bit of a different note:

I’ve started working on a new “Things I want for myself” list. I did one last June, and accomplished many of the things I set out to do/be/accomplish. Some I keep up with better than others. Some of the things on the new list are reminiscent of last year’s list. That’s okay. It does me well to write it down and put it out in the universe.

**PS – After drafting this post earlier today, I found out my granddad was admitted to ICU with fluid build-up in his chest/around his heart and pneumonia.  I would appreciate it so much if all my readers  would send positive thoughts and prayers for him!**

Off Plan

Okay, not that I really have a “plan” to be “on” right now, but I can feel it in my bones that I’m off my bandwagon of regular exercise and good eating… I suppose my eating habits are actually probably the same they were a week ago… but I am feeling supremely lazy in the realm of exercise. I know it’s only Tuesday and I have the rest of today and this week to get back into my exercise routine, but I am having a bad case of the I-Don’t-Wanna’s.

I’m feeling pretty depressed. I returned from my trip Sunday night… but, in the words of my grandmother, “I love it when y’all visit, but I hate it because that means you have to leave again.”

While I missed my husband and children (more than I expected to, actually) over the 4 days I visited my grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins, the absolute heartbreak that I experience every time I have to go back “home” is excruciating. I probably looked like a crazy person as I traveled back home, the whole time trying not to cry hysterically. I managed to maintain pretty well – until last night.

I’m just going go out on a limb and say: I have a hard time with travel, in general. I think I just get really stressed out. Also, let’s face it, vacation is exhausting most of the time. Especially if you have far to go… with children… and/or a husband, because husbands are really just like extra children. Almost any time we go anywhere I have a complete emotional breakdown upon returning home, complete with hiccup crying and wailing.

I digress… so I held it together pretty well Sunday night even though I returned home much later than I wanted to thanks to an hour and a half delay… on the tarmac… but then yesterday after work… well, I lost it. My granny called to make sure I made it home okay and to see about Nolan (he ran a fever over the weekend), and then she said, “Well, I sure am glad you came to visit us and I sure did enjoy our long walk on Friday.” And it was all over. I chokingly wrapped up the conversation and then pretty much just flipped my shit. The heartbreak over being so far away from my elderly grandparents that I am so close to, plus ridiculous stressors at work with personnel and staffing, and then home improvement projects that are mounting in expense so much faster than expected… it just all came crashing down. My hiccup crying was, understandably, frightening my children – plus no one wants the taste of tears in their dinner… so Mike sent me to a time-out. Even after calming down, I spent the majority of the evening just feeling totally depressed. I got in bed shortly after 10pm, read a little bit, and passed out by 11pm. The extra sleep was nice, but I’m still not really feeling 100% “normal” today. My mom and dad are currently on vacation and get back tomorrow night. I’m hoping I’ll feel better after seeing them on Thursday.

(Basically I’m just a whiny baby that needs to be around her family 24/7.)

All of this is just contributing to my desire to be a total lump, lazily lounging around watching tv or reading, and sleeping as much as possible. If I could get away with not going to work, I’d probably just stay at home for a few days.

While I know that this is all probably temporary and am feeling like maybe I need to boot myself in the butt and get a workout in… another part of me is wondering if my physical exhaustion is my body telling me it needs a few days. While I didn’t purposefully exercise in Arkansas, I was up and doing stuff all day every day, with the exception of maybe Saturday morning when I just sat around and read a book for about 3 hours. Friday I went for a 2 mile or more walk with my granny.

Maybe I’ll just give myself a couple days. If the motivation/desire for a good workout hits me tonight when I get home from work, so be it! I’ll get it done… but if I’m still feeling run down like I do right now, another night of rest may do me more good than harm. 

Now, to go off on something kind of not entirely relevant: I want to try out this primal eating thing. For reals. I mean, I know I read the book and everything and then was like, “Erm, no, that’s okay. I’ll just continue being a carb addict.” But I’ve been thinking a lot about it… and while I don’t think I want to give up all things deliciously processed in my life (namely: beer and ice cream), I think it certainly wouldn’t hurt me to shoot for like an 80% goal for primal eating – or even to shoot for primal eating 5-6 days a week, allowing myself beer/ice cream in the evenings if I want it. We all know I don’t do especially well with pressuring myself by saying, for example, “OKAY! Beginning September 1^st, I shall no longer be eating processed carbs!”… because I will just sabotage myself and eat more processed carbs than I normally do, until it makes me sick… y’know, just to “prove” something to myself. What that is other than “You’re a crazy person with a perpetual self-hate cycle, Jessica”, is beyond me.

My first step is just to simply start meal-planning for dinners again while leaving out the packaged rice and/or pasta sides. Lean meat and fresh or frozen veggies, for the win!

..perhaps, if I deny him long enough, Nolan (my toddler) may even start to eat something other than frozen chicken nuggets. Perhaps.

My second step is to start meal-planning lunches. And, eventually, meal-planning breakfasts – leaving me with three meals a day prepared-for and planned out. I was doing it before, no reason why I can’t do it again.

Maybe I’ll even be ambitious enough to outline my meal plans here, just to have it stored somewhere.

How are all of you doing? Do any of you get overwhelmed after traveling and/or vacation?

Connections

My diet has been pretty crappy lately. I go through phases like this pretty regularly. I get in a good groove of cooking fresh, eating lunch at home, getting up early enough to make a decent breakfast for myself, snacking on lots of fresh fruits and veggies, etc. Then I’ll have a week or weekend where I drink a lot, eat a lot of junk, go out for fast-food lunch too often and order-in or eat-out for dinner nearly every night and that sends me into a tailspin of crappy eating for a few week or a couple months, depending on where I am mentally/emotionally.

I’m currently in the latter phase… and I think it caught up to me last week. We’re going on about a month of this crappy eating cycle and the last 2 weeks I’ve especially felt run down and lethargic (although have been in a decent mental place), but last Thursday.. I don’t know what happened. I had to go to bed almost as soon as I got home from work/dinner at my mom’s. I felt almost sick with exhaustion. I dozed while my 7 year old got his shower and got ready for bed, I read him his bedtime story while half-asleep, and promptly tucked myself into bed the moment his “lights out” time approached at 8:30pm. I slept until 7:30am the next morning.

I wish I could say I woke up Friday morning feeling “amazing” and “refreshed” – not so, Dear Readers. I woke up feeling normal. I woke up feeling the same way I feel after a mere 6 or 7 hours of sleep. My body and mind showed no enhancement from my 11 hour nap, save for the sickening exhaustion being gone. In fact, I felt as if I could have slept another 3 or 4 hours easily.

The only thing I can imagine that would have spurned this (other than flu onset – which it definitely wasn’t/isn’t) is the amount of total processed, fake junk “food” I’ve been feeding my body for the last few weeks… this past week has been especially bad, I feel like. I’m too lazy to actually go back and look at the last week’s worth of food journaling to prove it to you – but just trust me on this.

While I’m enjoying my pseudo intuitive eating and leaving behind my stress over “how many calories”, I think I may have subconsciously given myself a Get Out of Jail Free card when it came to my food choices… ie: EAT ALL THE JUNK FOOD AND CANDY. NO, REALLY. IT’S OKAY. YOU’LL BE FINE. Well, I’m not fine. Thursday night proved that. And my migraine that came out of nowhere the night before was probably more proof than the weird exhaustion spell. I had a bad migraine a couple months ago, but that was the first one in over a year… and now to have a second in less than 3 months? I’m convinced this has everything to do with recent food choices. It probably doesn’t help that I’ve upped the exercise the last couple months as well – my body needs that real food and its nutrients!! It may also explain why every Wednesday I have a crash-and-burn forced rest day from exercise after lifting Monday nights and running 2-3 miles Tuesday nights. Maybe if I was feeding myself properly my body could recover a little more quickly and easily.

I leave in a few days for a long weekend down in Arkansas to see family and friends. While I’m sure this trip will be full of alcohol and restaurant food indulgence, it will also be filled with some homecooked meals at my grandparent’s, which are always complete with an abundance of vegetable sides and tons of protein! When I return home I plan to get back on top of my meal planning and shop for lots of fresh foods and try to avoid purchasing any junky carby food… with the exception of beer and ice cream. Everything in moderation. ;)

...when did this happen?

I have a tumblr... it's where I post things that I like, that make me happy, that make me laugh, etc. It's honestly sort of a glorified Pinterest for me - but I enjoy it. I follow a lot of Fitblrs on there and will occasionally share their posts on my tumblr if I feel like it's something that's more "life" related vs strictly health/fitness.

Many of the Fitblrs I follow are "fitspiration" pages - there are a lot of posts of women lifting, Crossfit athletes, figuring competitors, fitness models, etc. Recently I realized I don't enjoy looking at these posts anymore. I'm realizing more and more that these images, while at first seemed like better images to strive toward because they represented an image of "strong" vs "skinny", really are only providing another type of unattainable goal.

These women do not look like this 24/7. They train for these bodies for specific purposes and only at specific times of the year. To maintain the diet and training regimen to look like this everyday would be nearly impossible -- and wouldn't be healthy in any way. I find myself wishing that inspirational memes like this:

Source

were of women that look more like me, rather than a fitness model or figuring/bikini competitor. This girl had to do several bulk/cut cycles to get here... those bulk cycles mean 4-6 months of eating a LOT of calories, gaining weight (not only muscle, but also fat), cutting out cardio almost entirely, and lifting HEAVY. ...to then reveal the muscles underneath she must cut. That means restricting calories considerably, sticking to a bland diet of chicken breasts/broccoli/sweet potatoes/oatmeal and the occasional banana... every day... for 3-4 months... while adding in lots of cardio and continuing to lift in hopes that the mass increase in cardio and decrease in calories doesn't eat away all the muscle she spent so long building and feeding. These cuts often lead to wrecked hormones, metabolic shut down, and emotional turmoil. It can take these women years to recover from the damage done to their hormones and metabolisms. (Here's an excellent article/interview with a fitness model who does her cuts in a more healthy way - I personally think her "before" pictures are much more attractive than her cuts!: http://eatmore2weighless.com/competitor-stephanielynn-interview/)

No, thank you. That kind of "work" isn't worth it. It isn't going to dramatically change my life for the better.

Through just a tiny bit of education, I've also realized: this isn't just happening to girls that are fitness competitors -- this is happening to just your "casual" exerciser. It's so important to educate yourself on the hormonal and metabolic effects of Very Low Calorie Dieting and Chronic Cardio... and, maybe more importantly, how you can change the vicious cycle of yo-yo dieting/over-exercising.

Sorry, I kind of went off on a little tangent there... back to "fitspiration"; I have a board on Pinterest with that title and it's FULL of inspiration memes similar to the one above. But I don't believe my body will ever look like that - and today, right now, and for the last few weeks I don't believe I want my body to look like that. I am starting to love my body so much and appreciate all the cool things it does for me. Its belly is a little squishy and is still holding onto that "mommy" roll, its legs have some cellulite, its back still carries some excess fat stores... but it can also lift heavy things, tote my 32 lbs toddler around, run fast enough to keep said toddler from dashing into the street, race against my 7 year old on his scooter (and WIN!!), carry laundry up and down 2 flights of stairs without getting out of breath, and carry 6-7 bags of groceries at one time in from the car without straining at the weight. It looks good in the clothes I put on it (most of the time - we can't all have infallible fashion sense), and even without any clothes on it.

I love my body. I accept my body and its flaws. And while I am all about continuing to exercise/be active and make smarter decisions about the foods I eat - I do that because I love my body, no longer in order to love my body.

I don't know when this happened. I don't know what exactly I did or accomplished to make it click. I don't know if it came from an emotional place, or a physical place. I don't know if I actually even look a whole lot different than I did, say, 3 or 4 months ago -- but I feel very different and I see myself very differently when I look in the mirror and/or picture myself in my head. My mental image of myself is very close to the physical image of myself. It's a strange and happy place to be.

365 Days

Tomorrow will mark my one year anniversary of logging food/exercise into MyFitnessPal every.single.day. I’ve gone from rarely purposefully exercising and eating around 1500-1800 calories/day (while netting below BMR most days – oops!), to purposeful exercise being a part of my daily life and eating 2000-2400 calories/day (rarely, if ever, netting below BMR). Here’s an update on stats:

Weight/Measurements 8/17/12 (closest date I have):

Estimated Body Fat % (YMCA formula): 33%

Weight: 195.8lbs

Waist:  34” / 38” at navel 

Chest:  41"

Hips:  45"

Thighs:  26"

Arms (flexed):  12"

Weight/Measurements 7/20/13 (closest date I have):

Estimated Body Fat % (YMCA formula): 26% (I don’t use the YMCA formula anymore, but holy crap!! Using the calculator I depend on now would probably have my August 2012 number close to 36%, and currently has me around 30%... these are all just estimations, of course)

Weight:  189.2 lbs

Waist:  32” / 34” at navel 

Chest:  38"

Hips:  43.75"

Thighs:  25"

Arms (flexed):  11.5"

 As you can see I’ve lost not-quite 6 lbs in the last year… I actually don’t really know what I weigh right now because I haven’t stepped on the scale in a month. I betcha it’s somewhere between 189 and 191, though, depending on how recently I worked out, etc. I’ve continued to lose inches and fat and that’s most important to me right now.

Which brings me to another point: what is goal?

When I originally started this blog my goal weight was 150 lbs.  After Nolan was born and I had educated myself a little more on what my other fitness/health goals were, I bumped this number to 160 lbs. Today I don’t think I have a goal weight. I do have a goal body fat percentage: 22%.  But what’s funny about that goal is that… I’m not sure I actually care anymore. Not in an “I’m not getting there fast enough so I just give up! Screw it!” kind of way, but more in an “I am so comfortable in my body and my clothes and with how I look and feel, it’s just not worth stressing over” kind of way.

July 11^th I wrote a note to myself. It said:

Today I realized that I’ve always thought of “goal weight” as “Once I reach this weight, I won’t have to eat right or exercise anymore” – and now I realize there is no magical “goal weight” where I all of a sudden won’t have to take care of myself any longer. It’s all about adjusting to a new lifestyle. It’s about living differently and having those “right” choices be part of everyday life and enjoying that life. And under those terms: I’ve reached goal.

Talk about an epiphany moment.

This doesn’t mean I don’t still have plenty of work to do. I do! My food choices have been pretty poor over the last month, and I still have some belly fat I’d like to get rid of, I still want to reach my 22% body fat goal – preferably in the next 4-6 months… which won’t happen until I start making better food choices. But overall I am really happy with my body. That is pretty amazing since I don’t know that I’ve ever been happy with my body entirely except for maybe the year I was 17. But that was it. It only last about a year, folks!

I mean, shoot, I’m rocking a bikini this summer:

Selfie shadow haha!

That’s some pretty solid body confidence right there. I’ll take it.

You’ll notice I’ve changed my goals for the month to just cover the rest of this year. You’ll probably also notice I’ve stopped weighing myself – I talked about this a little bit already, I know,  I’m a little all over the place today! I know how much I weigh and I doubt that number is going to change anytime soon. I probably won’t really weigh myself until I see some drastic changes in my measurements and/or the way my clothing fits. I’m currently back doing Stronglifts 5x5, plus I’m walking and/or jogging 3-4 times a week with sprints once or twice a week. It’ll be interesting to see how this all factors in to my fat loss. At this point all this “exercise” is just something I enjoy doing and feel strange not getting done. With the stress from other aspects on my life, I’m 99% sure it’s about the only thing keeping me sane. I’ve truly learned to love it and that’s probably my biggest accomplishment in this whole health journey to date.

Beginning next week I’m going to back off a little on my food tracking. I’m going to try to intuitively eat for a few weeks and see what happens. While I’ll probably still log my food, it won’t necessarily be a “throughout the day” type process, but more “eat/drink what I feel like, enter it in at the end of the day” deal. My hope is in doing this, that I may start seeing some accelerated losses just by dropping the stress of tracking my calorie deficit so closely. I’ve been wondering a lot lately if my plateau in weight loss and my slow fat loss is due to the stress of trying to do the “right” thing all the time – which I talked about last post. It’s time to start focusing on what feels right for ME.

I’ve also been considering doing a purposeful metabolic reset/bulk period when the weather gets cooler. This would mean eating at/a little above TDEE for 4-6 weeks and cutting back cardio while still maintaining my strength routine. Late fall/early winter should be an ideal time for this since I’ll probably naturally be cutting back on cardio due to the cold/early sunset and should have heavier lifts at that point.

The bottom line: after 365 days, I’ve learned so much and come a really long way in my attitudes toward food, exercise, and my body. After nearly 3 years of blogging about my weight loss and general health and fitness, I feel like I finally get it. It’s about feeling good and being happy. Liking the way you look is just an added bonus.