Fed up

Yesterday was another really “grumpy” day for me – it got even grumpier after my blog post. There is just so much rough stuff going on right now, and it’s put me in a weird place because I’m really happy with my life and where I am and where I’m going, but there is still a lot of stress that is putting this giant Anger Cloud over me. I feel like I usually handle stress pretty well, but I’m almost starting to feel like things are just never going to be “normal” again.

By the time I got home from work last night, I’d just about had enough. My head was going to explode. I was going to commit acts of violence against people. My children were going to be sold to the gypsies. My husband was going to be spending the night in a literal doghouse. I had to run away. I had to get the f up out of life for a while. So what did I do? I went running.

“WHAAAAA-??” you say (again)? I know! I know!! It’s like the only response you have for me anymore, right? It’s like you’re thinking, “Well, sure, Jess. You say you’re going to do all these fitness things all the time and then you post the next day or a week later and say, ‘Oh, well, I decided I didn’t feel like it’.” It’s TRUE!! I do that all. the. time. But something has come over me, folks. I can’t explain what it is. I can’t describe this bizarre feeling of drive and determination – but it’s there. And hell if I’m not going to take advantage of it while I can, because who knows when it might disappear, taking me back to the land of “I don’t wanna”!!

Now, before all my runner people out there get all excited… let me explain to you what I mean when I say “I went running”:  I went for a 40 minute fast-paced (4mph) walk that included several short (but so-very-sweet) bursts of running my little heart out until my lungs screamed for oxygen. It was my own little loose version of HIIT.

And it cured me.

I got home and I was calm. I was ready to read a story to my kid and not want to strangle him the whole time. I didn’t feel all tired and lethargic leading up to bedtime. I fell asleep quickly and deeply… and then, as if the gods were blessing me, my baby slept until 7:30!!! SEVEN-THIRTY!! It was beautiful. I’m hoping that was some of the positive reinforcement I need to continue to be a healthy, fit person who is full of awesome – and blog posts.

Tonight: I lift. Weights, that is. Actually, to be honest, I’m more working on body-weight-resistance type exercises. Squats, push-ups, planks, etc. Get that form down and build up some base strength and then move on to actual weighted movements. I’m also trying to work on my ridiculous quad dominance (here’s a good explanation of what that actually is). I’m definitely still feeling some soreness from Weds night, especially in my abs – which is where I need to be feeling it most anyway. This mommy-pouch needs to go. Over. It.

I keep forgetting that I just had a baby 9 months ago and that it will take another 12-14 months for my body to finish recovering from that process. I have a feeling I’m going to lose my hips. The shape of my body is already so much different than before I got pregnant this second time around, and it’s like every couple of months something sort of shifts or shrinks or sags or sticks out more/less, etc. Having babies is weird. Let’s just all agree on that.

I’ve been thinking about snapping some progress photos in either short-shorts w/ sports bra or a bikini. I’m thinking of doing this to keep my perspective when it comes to stepping on that stupid scale every week. If I end up sticking with this whole strength training/cardio thing I’ve had going on this week I know the fat and inches will start coming off, but the scale may not move much and may actually end up going up before coming down. I figure if I have half-nekkid pictures of myself and can see, “Oh, hey, maybe I’ve gained 5 lbs according to the scale, but look! I’ve lost nearly all my back-fat compared with 3 weeks ago!” I won’t start freaking out. This is big “if”. We’ll see. Also, I’m not sure I want people realizing just how fat I really am… maybe I need to get over that and/or use it to push me forward in this process.

Enjoy my food count from yesterday (yay for abrupt endings! I got distracted and forgot where I was going next with this):