Regimented Chaos

About 6 weeks ago I had what can really only be described as a mental breakdown... and then I felt better. I felt somewhat normal, but I also was afraid that the normalcy was only a side-effect of kind of "getting it all out", as it were. And I was right. For a couple weeks now, I can feel it all kind of bubbling back up inside. My anxiety has been high - this isn't new news, I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this in my last handful of posts. It's been high in a familiar but not at all good way. It is not the panic-attack-irrational-out-of-nowhere-for-no-good-reason anxiety... it's the kind of anxiety I've gotten my whole life that tells me "Something bad is about to happen, something big is coming". My immediate thought after the first couple days was that my maternal grandfather might be about to pass. Through a lot of testing that was prompted after his health deterioration back in August, they found out he has Myelodysplastic Syndrome (MDS). This is a type of “pre-cancer” that can lead to Leukemia if left untreated. The treatment is  to have chemo 5 days a month for the rest of his life. The last couple weeks his fatigue has gotten much worse, he's lost a ton of weight, he's lost interest in doing the things he would normally enjoy... it's just really bad. We honestly don't know what will happen moving forward. The hope is that after the second round of chemo, he'll feel better and regain his appetite and weight and live for a very long time thereafter! But, this is cancer... or rather, pre-cancer... so things are very unpredictable right now. My mom left yesterday to go down and be with him during this first chemo round. I’ll probably call her tonight and get an update.

With all this on top of the Mommy Guilt and self-hate I blogged about last week, I’m having this incredibly strong desire to regiment nearly every aspect of my life right now -- I keep coming up with "projects" and lists in my head, I keep thinking, "I should/have to do that/put that together". My somewhat reliable self-awareness has me realizing that this way of thinking is a direct result of feeling like my life is in complete chaos and I’m desperate to get things “under control”.

The best part, though: the stress is making me incredibly attention deficit… so the moment I think of one list to make to assist in my regimentation, I forget what I’m doing and move on to something else. I also keep having thoughts like, “I’m going to get up at 6am and go run tomorrow” – but that never actually happens because a) it’s cold,  and b) IT’S COLD.

Positives of being stressed, depressed, and anxiety-ridden all the time: I like to go to bed early. When I’m not drinking, that is. When you sleep (I don’t know if you guys knew this or not), you don’t have to deal with life! Because you’re unconscious! It’s great! Drinking can occasionally create a similar circumstance of not being consciously aware that life sucks.

(I will say, for those of you who may be worried, I’m sleeping a lot more than I’m drinking. In fact, I would say I’m probably drinking less now than I was a month ago. This is probably due to all my sleeping. Also, let me be very clear that when I speak of my drinking, a lot of this is hyperbole. Because being funny covers up how messed up everything feels, yes? When I say, “I DRANK SO MUCH LAST NIGHT!”, this generally means I had FOUR WHOLE BEERS, or perhaps FOUR GLASSES OF WINE… and we’re not taking, what I like to call, Holly Glasses of Wine [8oz or more], we are talking legit 4-5 oz glasses. Not even a whole normal sized bottle. It’s nothing like, “Yeah, so I drank a bottle of Jack and then chased that with a 12 pack of Budweiser and a bottle cab sav.” – I kind of hate hangovers, so I can be a little wussy about super heavy drinking. Not always, but usually.)

Another positive: I’ve considered sitting down and actually writing some music again… haven’t done that in about 7 years. Mind you, it hasn’t actually happened yet. But I’m actively considering it. This might be a good sign, as it probably means that my crazy brain is trying to figure out creative and productive ways for working through being miserable.

Now, if only I could just get this “work” thing to quit taking up all my time during the day, I could maybe actually get my chaos under control by getting some lists written down - or better yet, compose some music.