The last week or so I've been feeling pretty depressed and dealing with some anxiety. I know that probably 75% of that is because of my absolute laziness the last couple months. Exercise is so important in being able to manage my depression and anxiety; I think sometimes I forget this and think I can just be sedentary, that I'll be just fine. I obviously am not "just fine".
On top of this I started feeling sick again Monday. This would make the second time in about 2-3 weeks. Although, I'm really wondering if I ever really got "well" from my chest cold to begin with. I've been existing on junk food, alcohol and cigarettes while getting very little sleep - that's certainly no way to recover from being sick. I made the decision Monday afternoon to treat myself with healthy, nutrient-rich foods instead of medicine. Monday and Tuesday I ate lots of fruits and veggies - especially leafy greens. I had some chicken soup, too. I slept about 12-14 hours Monday night into Tuesday morning. I went to bed early last night, as well. I'm sure it also helps that I haven't smoked since Sunday night. I've been saying for about 2 years that I'm going to quit smoking, and I just haven't really wanted to. I'd still like to quit... but I can't say that I entirely want to quit. I'm going to see if I can give myself 2 weeks. If after those 2 weeks I want to start again - I will. But I need to give my lungs a rest and get this cold gunk out of me, and I think the only way to do that is to quit smoking for a little while. We're having a Halloween party this weekend, that will be the hardest night to get through without a cigarette. Stupid social habits!!
I've been thinking a lot about priorities lately and how skewed mine have become. Television and socializing have definitely been at the top of my list, taking precedent over exercise, sleep, as well as cooking dinners for my family. My kids have been eating a lot (A LOT) of chicken nuggets and mac'n'cheese lately. An exorbitant amount. It's bringing on that Mommy Guilty pretty hardcore. As if I need that on top of my not-so-stable mental health right now! I just read back through some of my blog posts over the last year... and I'm noticing a trend. A rather disturbing trend. It goes a little something like this:
"I'm so happy! I love my body! Everything is wonderful! I'm a wonderful, beautiful person with lots of wonderful, beautiful people in my life and I am so grateful and so blessed!"
Some months later:
"I'm so depressed and anxiety ridden! I need to quit my job! I drink too much, I smoke too much! WHY AM I SO FAT?! I can sleep when I die, right?! ALL THE ALCOHOL/CIGARETTES! ALL THE LATE NIGHTS!! I hate myself! I hate my life! I want to die!!"
Rinse and repeat.
But I've noticed another trend that follows the above trend: the majority of my happiness occurs in the last couple months of summer. Basically if you look at all my blog posts, the only time I am really super happy and okay with myself is about 2-3 months out of the ENTIRE YEAR...usually peaking in August.
WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?! And also: HOW IS THAT FAIR?!
This may be somewhat deceiving, as obvious to people who know me and regularly interact with me, I'm not a total depressed, anxiety-ridden mess 75% of the time. ...am I?
Well, I don't feel like I am. I guess it's just that whole things of this blog kind of being a place for my brain to vomit and my brain is full of lots of stressful things a lot of the time - even though the reality is those stressful things don't regularly "get" to me. Probably because I vent about them here! ...yes? ...maybe?
So basically I notice that about this time every year I find myself feeling like my priorities are out of whack, when the reality is they're pretty much out of whack all the time. I guess it's just that October seems like a good time of year to realize it. Then I usually do pretty well with getting things under control through the dead of winter... probably because it's the dead of winter and who wants to sit outside smoking and drinking in cold weather? Also, it's dark all the time - so why wouldn't I want to sleep more?
See?! It's definitely easier to prioritize sleep and nix my smoking habit when it's no "fun" to stay up late and smoke all the time anymore!
I'm sorry, I totally forgot where I was going with all this, other than: I need to get my goddamn priorities straight and not just for the winter, but for the ALWAYS! The problem is taking some time alone with no distractions to put down exactly how I want to do that and what steps I need to take to get me there. It all kind of comes back around to: I see myself as a totally different person in my head. I would like to BE the person in my head, and the way I currently live my life and prioritize my time isn't going to get me there.
More later. Maybe. If I can get my brain under control for longer than 30 seconds. *sigh*
I really thought this was going to be about Game of Thrones :( J/K, keep your head up and cut yourself some slack. You'll figure things out! Also, purchase a happy light :)
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