I only did 30 Day Shred twice this week. Monday and Wednesday. I took 20-30 minute walks on my lunch break both Thursday and Friday. I was active, I just wasn't as active as doing the 30DS workout... and I'm struggling with whether or not I'm okay with this.
Thursday was Valentine's Day, which is why I didn't do the workout - I was spending time with my hubby. Friday morning was weigh-in... where the above number was revealed to me. To say I was disappointed would be an understatement. I was complete and totally defeated. Took my measurements, and those hadn't changed either. I did not do my body fat percentage, as I ran out of time and needed to get ready for work - and then just plain forgot Saturday morning because, well, I was pissed off and was kind of like, "Take THAT, Body! See if I care what your BF% is right now! You can go to hell!".
The negative: what is the point of putting in the time, pushing yourself to intensity on a regular basis, and counting calories and trying to make smarter food choices when obviously it does NOTHING?! I'm sorry, but I'm not going to fucking starve myself to see the scale move. I will not restrict my calorie intake to a measly 1400 calories a day and risk destroying what little lean muscle mass I do have and ruin my metabolism - but sometimes I can't help but feel like maybe that is my only option. I feel like my only option is to be hungry and miserable and guilty all the time.
The positive: So, I feel like my only option is to be hungry, miserable, and guilty in order to see the number on my scale move... and then I think: screw that noise. Why do I care what that scale says? Do I LOOK like I weigh nearly 200lbs? Absolutely not! Do I feel like I weigh this much? NOPE! Am I wearing the same size clothing I wore at 180lbs 4 years ago? Sure as hell am! Do I feel awesome after my workouts, has exercising helped me to almost completely quit smoking (only 3 cigarettes this whole week, folks!), has exercising made my sleep better and forced me to quit staying up way too freaking late on weeknights? ALL OF THE ABOVE!
I feel so much more confident in my body, these last few weeks. I have had so many non-scale victories. My body image is so much better. My inner-monologue is so much more positive and healthy. I no longer have anxiety and worry that I'm "having a stroke" (my way of saying "I feel weird" or "my body is mad at me"). I pretty much no longer have anxiety. Period. THAT IS HUGE. Obviously I have normal anxiety, such as stress over work and kids and stuff - but that irrational anxiety that classifies me as having Generalized Anxiety Disorder? GONE. When it comes to freaking out over things that are not actually happening to me or happening inside my body, this is now me:
The freedom in that is.. indescribable. I'm almost to the point where I am no longer going to weigh myself, except that I would first like to complete a little experiment - more on this in a moment. First:
So now I find myself in a bit of a pickle. One of the biggest pet peeves I have with myself is that I feel like I am, well... a half-asser. I start little projects or experiments or what-have-you, and then I never finish them. I have four days left on 30 Day Shred. FOUR DAYS. But since my little run-in with my scale and measuring tape Friday morning, I want not to spend any time officially finishing the last four days of this program. I want to throw this DVD in the garbage. Perhaps set it on fire and then send Jillian Michaels a nasty letter.
I know full-well I would have seen much better results had I been eating clean for 90% of my meals while doing this program. Please don't remind me of this. As I said before, one thing at a time right now. This is also part of why I'm sort of at odds with myself for being pissing off about my results. However, I still feel like I should have gotten SOMETHING out of the last 4 weeks of this... major loss in inches after Level 1, and then nothing since. That seems kind of.. wrong. But I digress...
So I don't want to finish the last four days, but I also don't want this to be one more thing that I'm half-assing. I want to be able to say I did the whole program. It's only 20 minutes, for chrissake. So, as of this moment, I feel like I WILL do the final four days. BUT (here's the kicker, and the experiment I mentioned up there), I think tomorrow I will also start the New Rules of Lifting for Women program. Stage one is very basic stuff that, for some movements, requires starting with just your body weight. I can easily do this and use 30DS as more of my cardio session post lifting. Once 30DS is wrapped up, I will continue to do HIIT routines post lifting twice a week and maybe yoga on my non-lifting days. I will continue weighing myself weekly and see if heavy lifting is what my particular body responds better to. Something tells me this will be a much more successful endeavor for me.
Here's hoping!!!
Stay tuned.
This is great. Stay strong, sista, and know that some fucks are fine being not given.
ReplyDeleteI've got 9000 pieces of not half-assing here waiting for you. WAITING.
XOXOX Miss Muscles!
Stay strong Jess! Everyone goes through rough patches and shaking things up is a great way to invigorate your routine. Don't get discouraged that you're not losing weight or inches. You may be building muscle mass or be on a plateau but you won't stay there for long and then things will shed. I haven't lost any weight or inches with the 2nd phase of Power 90, but I know it'll come. I had to add extra cardio to the end of phase 1 because I was getting bored, but there's no straight road on the healthy journey. There are highs and lows, and we just have to keep that in mind. I had to tackle my eating habits 6 months into my journey because I'd lost 30 pounds and then stayed there. While I know that you don't want to focus on big changes to your diet maybe you can ease into more healthy eating habits. I had to "reward" myself for drinking water. I'd have cup of coffee (or two) in the morning, and then I was "not allowed" to have any more coffee until I'd drank 4 cups of water, which is usually coincided with Dev's bus coming home. So if Dev came home and I'd had all my water, I'd brew myself a cup of coffee and sit and talk with Dev. I know that its hard when you're at work, but maybe something similar would work with you. I also rely a lot on Steve and Evan to keep me on track with late night snacking. We're each other's snack Nazis. Maybe Mike can help you with some of your diet challenges as well.
ReplyDeleteKeep strong girlie! You can do it!