A little taste of life

Man, what a fuckin’ week, dudes. What a week. I feel like I’ve dealt with so much ugliness from so many different directions this week between work and personal, even just dealings with random strangers while runningerrands, etc. Maybe this is my punishment for managing to avoid actual high school? (Since I was homechooled and all…) It just feels like there’s been a lot of unnecessary drama, some of which I even instigated. Makes me feel real grown-uplike… NOT.

Honestly, I don’t think we ever really leave high school. College is just one big high school with no parents and teachers who don’t haveto be responsible for your idiocy. Work is just one big high school where thereis no supervision of any kind from a personal standpoint and people are allowed to just run rampant with their pettiness and meanness with little consequence, creating little cliques in the name of office “politics”. Social media just promotes all of this, of course. In all facets of life. I would be lying if I said I didn’t take part of any of these facets, but I can honestly say that I try really hard not to. Our immaturity and insecurity and passion sometimes get in the way of our adulthood and get the best of us.

All this crap that was happening this week got me thinking about my young(er) adulthood. I had a lot of drama in my life.. It took me a long time (probably much too long) to realize that this “exciting” stuff going on in my life that made for excellent story-telling, regularly took me to a dark place of wanting to isolate and regular impulsive decision making. The amount of “friend drama” going on in my life was taking a bitter, bitter toll on my marriage and affecting my ability to focus energy on my child (there was only the one at the time). Then I got pregnant with my second child. My pregnancy made me incredibly depressed. Like to the point where I had to start counseling at the end of my second trimester. There were a few different factors here, but mostly it was because I lost a lot of who I felt I was with the pregnancy. I felt like I couldn’t be as social, I couldn’t go as many places, I couldn’t drink, I couldn’t smoke (or even really be around it for the most part, as the smell made me feel nauseous), I couldn’t stay up late, I couldn’t eat certain things, etc, etc. On top of that i struggled with feeling like these were stupid things to define "who I am", and the self-loathing that and negative inner-monologue that followed definitely got the best of me. I feel like a lot of my friendships ended because I couldn't or wouldn't participate in my "usual" social interaction. Some of them I "feel" like I lost, and some of them I legitimately did lose. But I think this ended up being a giant blessing in disguise. I got rid of a lot of toxicity in my life, and I was finally able to focus on my own issues instead of everyone else’s and really grow as a person. And, of course, that depressing pregnancy ended in a beautiful baby boy who brings me joy (and anguish lol) every day and is an amazing addition to our family.

There is much to say for being in a place of well thought-out planning and healthy relationships not only with others, but with myself. It's much more exciting than the the constant drama.  It’s exciting because it makes it a billion times easier to feel happy and actually be happy. It’s exciting because it allows me to build better bonds with the people and activities in my life that are important. It makes me a helluva lot more productive during my workday. But mostmostmost importantly: it allowed me to be happier and more present in my marriage and to repair and build a better relationship with my husband, as well as having the emotional energy for my kids and all they require.

The amount of maturing I’ve done in the last 2 years is a little frightening. Sometimes I barely recognize myself – but not because I’m lost in this “new” me, it’s because I have successfully changed almost all of the things I disliked about myself. Unfortunately, a side-effect of this is that some of those things you don’t like about yourself, other people like the best. Once you don’t behave in a certain way or agree with certain ways of thinking or certain behaviors, those people don’t want to be around you as much anymore and stop inviting you to hang out.

I can happily say I’m reaching a point where I’m okay with this. Sometimes my feelings still get hurt. Sometimes I have to remember that playground mantra of “sticks and stones” – but overall I am a better, happier, stronger, healthier person/wife/mother/daughter/sister/friend. I am proud of myself. I even LIKE myself. For me, there is nothing more freeing. I don’t need to depend on others to like me or praise me or desire me in order to feel good about myself anymore.

p.s.

I'm in the process of drafting a weigh-in and NROLFW update, but this life victory needed to come first. Fuck the NSV's... I've become a victor at life, and that's more important than any body measurement.