Observations

Sometimes I go grocery shopping hungry, and sometimes drinking a coffee and a handful of pistachios makes that hunger up and disappear. I am generally less hungry at home than I am at work and that might be how this coffee/pistachio magic works.

Sometimes I drink coffee even though I'm somewhat certain that it gives me migraines, and then sometimes I think maybe it only "gives me a migraine" because I think it's going to give me a migraine. I wonder if maybe I can be more optimistic about how I live my life and take care of my body, and by that I mean if I can just live without having to always think about it so much.

Sometimes I get stuck on this idea of "going organic" and feel like I have to spend my entire month's grocery budget on one week's worth of groceries, but I'm pretty sure as long as I just eat fresh foods that are cooked/prepared at home that that's really just fine, and maybe that just needs to be my mantra. I don't mind spending the extra money on organic milk because I can taste the difference and like it more. I also don't mind spending the extra money on grass-fed beef because, again, I can taste the difference. So then that's fine, I should tell myself. No reason to feel like I need to shell out $2.35 for one bell pepper because it's stamped "organic". And besides, I will grow my own next year and not spend money on them at all for a few months - and those will definitely be "organic".

Sometimes I'm really proud of myself for taking the walk and doing the stretches even though my sciatic pain/muscle inflammation won't yet allow for me to get back to strength training or running. And sometimes I force myself to do it even though the Inner Mean Girl tells me the walk and stretches don't matter because I'll always just be fat and weak and injured. Sometimes I am strong and tell her to shut the hell up.

Sometimes I wake up one morning and am all of a sudden totally capable of meal planning and scheduling exercise and making it all happen. Sometimes I can roast a whole chicken in the crock-pot a day in advance to use for my tetrazzini because Spaghetti Monday, damnit, and tetrazzini has spaghetti in it.

Sometimes I get these glimpses of what "normal" could be/used to be like for me. You know that place where things are funny and enjoyable? Where time spent at work is productive? That's the place where I meal plan and create exercise calendars. What I'm quickly learning is, I can take those productive normal-feeling days and I can pump out weeks and months worth of these meal plans/menus or workout routines, so 2 weeks from now when I wake up one morning and begin wondering why even bother breathing, let alone getting out of bed, because really it's all just too overwhelming, I know that Normal Me has already put together at least a couple of things to take some of the stress and pressure off of Depressed Me.

Normal Me is pretty thoughtful like that.

Sometimes I see people working really hard for the life they want to have and enjoying every moment because they can see the fruits and visualize the future, and I think someday I want to be that. Sometimes I wonder if the prescription pill will be the "magic", and then I wonder if I really want that to be the solution. Often I realize I don't. I want to be capable of doing the exercise, eating the nutrient dense foods, getting the right amount of sleep. But I also know that, right now at least, I'm not capable of doing those things consistently. And when it's inconsistent it's so hard to remember what it's like to be normal, to be able to accomplish those things.

Today I am happy. Today I was productive. Today I am proud of the decisions I've made and the tasks I've accomplished. Today is a good day. Today it is hard to remember that 10 days ago life seemed hopeless, pointless, and exhausting, and what that actually felt like.

I wish every day could be like Today.