This week marked the 5 year anniversary of beginning this
blog. While I’m not currently regularly updating, I think about doing so
pretty frequently. I’ve been focusing more on pen-to-paper journaling recently
and I think it’s been really therapeutic for me, but I hate to say I’m just as
inconsistent with it as I was about updating here.
In my last update I spoke all about all the Oreos I was
eating in the middle of the day and having not a care in the world about it,
about wearing a bikini because it makes me happy and not worrying so much about
what other people think about my body, but recognizing that I would have times
of insecurity. To quote myself, “There will likely be plenty of times at the
pool this summer that I’ll think to myself, who the hell do I think I am
wearing this bikini?!” And trust me, ladies and gents, there were. Like, almost
every time I went to the pool. But I made myself do it anyway because I am
pretty happy with my tan belly and it’s good to get outside of your comfort
zone and push your own boundaries every now and then.
I was in a spectacular place with exercise the last time I
updated, too. I was regularly hitting the gym and running 3-4 times a week, as
well as playing tennis once a week. I was in a good mental place (as
late-spring usually puts me!) and on a positive track. That continued through
most of the summer, but mid-August found me beginning my annual battle with
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and struggling to get out of bed every
morning, let alone spending 1-2 hours exercising daily. I didn’t practice purposeful exercise much in
August, though remained generally active. Thus far I can’t say the same for
September. I’ve been to the gym twice this month and have done two runs. It’s
certainly better than what I’d like to be doing – curling up in the floor and
sleeping until April. I do what I can.
I invested in a HappyLight a couple weeks ago, which is a
natural spectrum light that mimics sunlight and is clinically shown to reduce
the symptoms of SAD. I use mine for about 20-45 minutes every morning when I
get to work. I have not yet taken it home to use on the weekends mainly because
I’m just kind of forgetful. I haven’t noticed a HUGE change thus far, but it
does help boost my energy a little bit in the mornings and that alone is worth
continuing to use it. The instructions say it generally takes about 3 weeks of
consistent use to start noticing the benefit. So, we’ll see how it goes in the
next couple weeks.
So, that’s where I am right now, but I wanted to kind of
review the last 5 years and look at where I really am in my life with
maintaining health.
In September of 2010 I weighed 205 pounds. Today, in
September of 2015, I weigh… 205 pounds.
That’s kind of funny, huh? I just realized that. Ha.
There were 2 years in there where I maintained between 189
and 191. Two YEARS. Directly after having a baby, I might add. But this most
recent two years has been rough. My grandfather was diagnosed with cancer in
the fall of 2013. Coincidentally this is also when I began taking on many new
responsibilities at work, as well as stepping into a role that required
managing staff. My toddler also turned 2 that year, which we all know is a
spectacularly easy age for most children… not. That was a lot. It all was a
lot. I sank into a pretty severe depression and I’m honestly not very certain
how I managed especially when the following year, 2014, after beating cancer,
my grandfather passed away suddenly from a stroke. We also came into a very
stressful/busy time at work that fall which only happens once every six years
(and continues on for 18 months and which we’re right smack-dab in the middle
of right now), and I injured myself running and was in physical therapy for 4
months.
I’ve packed the weight back on slowly over the last 1-2 years as I deal with the fall-out from all the turmoil. It’s mostly okay. I mean, I’m not
okay with it – but I have to be okay with it. More and more I realize how
exhausted I am with the constant pursuit of “health” or “fitness” or “thin” or
whatever-it-is I’m telling myself I’m pursuing in that moment or on that day. I
can’t live the rest of my life being insane about and around food. And I can’t
live the rest of my life punishing myself with exercise to atone for all my
“sins” of being “bad” when it comes to food and exercise. Not only “I can’t”, I
WON’T.
I have to choose to love myself. I have to choose to love my
body, just as it is, right this moment. I have to choose to take care of myself
emotionally and physically. I have to choose to stop thinking I need to control
my body through food and exercise.
The last two years has been proof that I cannot control my
body and shouldn’t see that as a tangible goal. I’ve continually gained weight regardless of my physical activity level and calorie intake.
I’ve had weeks and weeks where I ate barely anything and exercised like a
fiend, and then weeks and weeks where I did nothing but sit on my couch and eat
ice cream. My stress level and anxiety has resulted in a sporadic menstrual
cycle which I then worsened by attempting to control it by going back on the
birth control pill, which then spurned some of the worst migraines of my life
and lead to my finding out that because of my ocular migraines I shouldn’t even
be on hormonal birth control at all due to a MAJOR risk of stroke. I’ve been on
and off an antidepressant which, though I believe helped me to get through what
could have potentially been a terrifying and disastrous winter last year, also affected my already fucked menstrual cycle and lead to some weight
fluctuation.
Mostly I have to stop constantly talking about how to
control my body (or how you should control yours), stop feeding into the
incessant fat-talk that not only my friends participate in, but also my husband
and family, and start praising myself and others for things that have nothing
to do with our physical appearance. A perfect example of this is to stop
saying, “You look great!” when running into someone I maybe haven’t seen in a
while, but to instead say, “I saw on Facebook you volunteered for two days with
the clothing/food drive for the homeless [or whatever other meaningful event
here]. That’s so great! How was that experience?” Because what your body looks
like has absolutely nothing to do with the kind of person you are or the things
you’ve accomplished intellectually or spiritually – and, oftentimes, nothing to
do with the things you’re capable of physically accomplishing either.
So, I’m trying to love myself, which is actually really hard
when you’re fighting depression. And it seems I’m fond of attempting these
great feats of self-love during depressive episodes, but then I think, well,
that’s probably when I need it most. For about the last month, part of my
self-love has been practicing more intuitive eating and not making myself crazy
by regularly tracking calories. I’ve maintained my weight while doing that. I
just realized that now. I was just saying last night, “I’m sure I’m back up to,
like, 215 pounds by now.” – but I’m not. I’m exactly where I was when I last
weighed myself the first week in August. So, actually, I’ve maintained for
almost 2 months. I’m slowly reaching a point where I don’t really think about
food anymore outside of, “Should I thaw something for dinner tonight?” I’ve
even had several days where I hit the late afternoon and realized I’ve been so
busy with work or things at home that I forgot to eat. That’s something I haven’t
done since my late teens/early 20’s. The last 5 years especially, everything
has been about food – thinking about food, worrying about food, hating myself
over food, praising myself or feeling morally superior for eating the “right
kind of food”, constantly thinking about how food tastes/what I’ll eat
next/when I can eat, etc. I read back through a lot of my early blog posts and
I’m blown by how much moral significance I put on my food choices and how much pseudo-science
I bought into.
I also see how desperate I was, desperate to just lose the
weight, to recognize myself in photos – to find that “magic” diet or exercise
routine that would somehow transform me into my 17 year old self again. But if
I really stop and think about it for a few minutes… if I play psychologist on
myself… I thought that having my 17 year old body back would also somehow
provide me my 17 year old state-of-being back, that maybe somehow I could reset
my life and make different choices.
That, obviously, has everything to do with the
mental/emotional and absolutely nothing to do with the physical. Being 145lbs
doesn’t reset the last 15 years of life and 5 years ago I believed it somehow
would.
I’m working hard to stop living in
the past so often and focus on living my present – in my present state-of-mind
and my present state-of-body. To be “mindful” overall. Even with that,
probably the largest goal I’ve set for myself is reducing my stress, which
means making some really big changes in my life and lifestyle. I fear change in
a major way, so this next year will be an exercise in having to constantly push
myself outside of my comfort zone in order live my life the way it ought to be
lived. I’ve found when “real life” starts to make me uncomfortable that’s when
I tend to throw myself back into the "trying to lose weight" cycle. I use controlling my
body as a distraction from the things that really scare me. When life gets a
little too in-my-face, that’s when I’ll make a big statement about “recommitting”
to “the process” – that I CAN lose 50lbs in a year! I CAN increase my lifts AND
increase my run miles ALL while eating AT A DEFICIT! …feeling out of control of
your mental health, your job, your friends, your marriage, your children? JUST
CONTROL YOUR BODY, JESS!
This will be the hardest thing for me; to stay centered and
to exercise control over my life choices instead of exercising control over my
body.
My short-term health-based goals right now are:
- reduce stress
- get back to running, because I really do love it and it’s the best thing I do to support my mental health
- get back to strength training to support my running and prevent injury
- continue eating intuitively a wide variety of foods
